


Can't Ever Work

by Sarabellum93



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Drama, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2019-10-09 14:49:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 24,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17408930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarabellum93/pseuds/Sarabellum93
Summary: Roxas is an antisocial college student who just wants to survive another year but his next door dorm-neighbor is a popular, well liked, and sexy college senior. Roxas can't deny that he likes the attention but his shyness gets the better of him. Axel does what he can to prove that they can make it work





	1. Intoxicating Me

My name? Roxas. Who am I? I'm a nineteen year old college student who is the most anti-social college student you will probably ever meet. I live next to someone who is the exact opposite; you know? Mr. Social, the one everyone wants to be around, be best buds with, and even date? Yeah, him. His name is Axel, a twenty one year old college senior who lives in the dorm next to mine. It's been a couple months now, but I already know enough about him to know that he's a total flirt. He's the guy who, when he asks how you're doing, expects a full answer because he genuinely cares; but the worst thing about him, is that he's a playboy. He thinks he's all that, and he is, but he's so cocky about it. He's always having these pretty girls over late at night, and often times it sounds like they stay the night. And guess who gets to hear them all night long? Yep. Me. I hear his bed squeaking and I hear him moaning and I can hear him yelling someone's name, although it's not very clear. That's how I started to hate him, cause as much as I'm ashamed to admit it, hearing him makes me hard. I keep one hand over my mouth because I'd die if he heard me responding to his love making; then I touch myself, trying desperately to hold back my moans and not to make a mess that could leave behind any evidence. Not like I need to worry about anyone finding evidence; I've never invited anyone inside my dorm before.

Anyway, he does it a lot, two or three times a week, and it's annoying when I'm trying to study or when I'm trying to sleep. Usually I put in my headphones because I don't want to admit that his pleasure turns me on. Cause at the same time, I don't want to admit that I like it when he talks to me. He's very nice to me, and pretty much anyone he comes across, but still I can't help but feel special when he flashes that gorgeous smile at me. As dorm neighbors, we run into each other a lot, but most of our conversations are just small talk; he only calls me blondie and I doubt he even knows my real name. But he's still sweet in the way he holds doors open, smiles often, and offers to help people with their problems and to just listen. He's super friendly and is always making conversations where everyone around him is smiling and laughing. He makes you want to be near him; he draws you in like a magnet, giving you no choice but to be attracted to his breath-taking smile, iridescent green eyes, and gorgeous red hair. And now, I'm stuck. I'm stuck because as much as I don't want to, but I can't help but smile when he's near. I can't help but give him the cold shoulder every now and then, or how I make smart-ass remarks, only because I'm afraid to grow used to this attention. I'm afraid that if I'm nicer to him, he'll be even nicer back, and I'll be forever lost in a friendship that is hopeless. Cause not only is he a playboy and a flirt and cocky about it all, he's still perfect. And worst of all, he's clearly straight.

I woke up one day, a bit late compared to my usual routine, and when I opened the door, he was in the hallway in nothing but a towel.

"Going to shower blondie?" He asked, holding his shower caddy in one hand and placing other just above that dangerously low towel hugging his curvy hips.

"What do you think?" I asked, holding my towel and my shower caddy as I walked with him into the bathroom. I always preferred to strip and change within the shower stalls, for my own comfort.

"Which stall do you want?" He asked and I shrugged. There was one that had an extra shelf to put all your clothes and stuff, but I didn't want to seem selfish.

"You want that one, don't you?" He asked, pointing the one I had just described.

"Doesn't matter."

"You know, that one is my favorite. We could share it." He leaned close and I shivered at his chilly voice compared to the idea of sharing a steamy hot sexy shower with him.

"You serious?" I asked, pretending to be disgusted at the idea and he laughed.

"Oh please, as if you weren't staring at this." He pointed to his stomach and chest; he had a point, he was right.

"I was just wondering when you were going to put a shirt over that." I said and he rolled his eyes.

"Don't worry, I get a lot of guys who like me."

"Excuse me?" I asked, offended.

"A bunch of gay guys think I'm hot and they like me, so don't act like you're pissed when you're just scared." Axel brushed by me and into a stall as I heated up inside, turning red.

"I'm not scared of a selfish prick!" I yelled and he went into a shower stall, closing the curtain behind him.

"Whatever!" He yelled as if he were amused while he turned on the water and I went into the farthest stall. I did my best to hurry so I could get back to the safety of my dorm, and when I turned off my shower, I didn't hear his running either.

I dried off and wrapped the towel around my narrow waist and when I opened my curtain, I saw him standing right there.

"WAH!" I screamed, scared and surprised to find him silently waiting.

"See, you are scared." He said plainly in his towel.

"What the fuck are you doing you creep!" I put my hand over my heart.

"I just wanted to see if I left something in here the last time I was in this stall. Chill." He put his hand on my side and scooted me over. His warm, soft hand touched my bare skin, and I couldn't help but shudder in content.

"There's nothing over there." I said, staring at the empty stall.

"Hm, guess not. Oh well."

"What, what are you missing?" I asked, hating how curious I am.

"Why, do you want to help me find it?"

"Well, it depends what it is," I said, getting a bit shy.

"Tell me, yes, or no?" He leaned in super close to my ear and I could feel my body heating up.

"I think I'll pass." I said, moving around him so I could scurry back to my dorm. In the privacy of my room I took care of my erection.

Dammit! How did he make me hard just by whispering in my ear? Perhaps it was because I was staring at his thin pure red happy trail that continued down to more red, and past that, the fucking towel covered. My imagination always got the best of me, and I couldn't help but let it ride as I dreamt of his husky voice beckoning me to him.

I made sure to be extra quiet as I came and when I cleaned it all up, I sighed, feeling trapped into my room until I was sure that he had left for class.

A week had passed and I hadn't talked to him. We made eye contact a few times, but it never went beyond that. That's the kind of guy that Axel is: He's popular and well liked, but so much so, that unless you're a big shot, you can't expect him to make time for you. Yet he's still so kind deep down inside, that he's still friendly to anyone he passes by. That's why I'm so damn torn around him. Part of me hates him and sees him as that cocky spoiled brat who can get whatever and whoever he wants without even lifting a finger. At the same time, he's such a good guy, that it's impossible to completely dislike him. If anything, I'm just jealous, and of what, I can't exactly put my finger on. I mean, I wish I were as tall, as muscular, as well-liked, and as social as he is. But as I think about it more, I'm jealous of whatever it is that makes him smile so beautiful; or maybe, it's not a thing. Maybe it's a person. As shy as I am, I could never have a real conversation with anyone, much less Axel himself, but oh how I dreamt of confessing how badly I yearn for his company. Of course I'd never say such things. In the end, I know I'm not the only one who feels this way about him, and since I could never compete against the crowd he hands out with, my silence is as best as I can do. Even if it weren't, silence is all I know how to do.

It's challenging though, when he takes the time to wave or say hi as we're walking past each other in the hallway. I want to say something, but I usually freak out and just flash a pathetic smile before I lock myself in my dorm.

It's a pretty common scenario, so much so that it's nearly routine. After that week passed, I saw him again, and I even contemplated initiating a wave this time, but since he was with a group of three girls, I decided to just turn on my ipod and turn up my headphones to show that I was being unsocial.

He waved to me and I gave an acknowledging head nod before I locked myself in my room. Then, he threw a party. Right in his fucking dorm from eleven at night till four in the morning. He was blasting music and there were way too many people to fit in that tiny confined room, and I could tell that alcohol was involved. I couldn't take it anymore, so I knocked on his door, angry, tired, grumpy, …you get the idea.

"Hey, blondie boy!" He was intoxicated and his shirtless body and friendly smile were intoxicating me.

"Dude, it's four am and I'm tired, call it a night will ya?" I rubbed my head to show I was serious.

"Ah, don't be jealous, you're welcomed to come on in!" He grabbed my arm and threw me inside his cramped dorm room. Our entire floor was partying in his room; everyone but me.

"Who's the blonde cutie?" Some blonde girl asked pointing to me.

"Larxene, this is blondie." I growled; we lived on the same floor for how long and she didn't even know my name?

"That's not my name." I grumbled but Axel was already going for another beer.

"I think you've had enough." I took it from his hand and he pouted.

"Maybe you haven't had enough!" He poked my chest and laughed and I rolled my eyes, wanting to leave, even though I knew I'd regret leaving his side, because it was when I was with him when I wasn't truly alone.

"What if someone calls security? You can get is a lot of trouble." I said and Axel blew me off with a wave of his hand.

"Take the stick out of your ass and live blondie."

"The name is," I started, but was interrupted by a tall blonde with a mullet Mohawk who turned up the already loud music. I growled, getting frustrated at how everyone there lived on our floor and even though I didn't really talk to them, I knew that I had seen them walking into rooms with keys; and still none of them seemed to recognize me besides Axel. I guess that's my fault though. It just shows how kind Axel is to acknowledge me.

"Alright Demyx!" Axel cheered and everyone started grinding and I somehow got shoved into Axel, who caught me and started to sway his hips against my ass.

"What the fuck?" I yelled, secretly loving it, but fearing how hard it would make me.

Axel didn't say anything, he just kept his hands on my hips from behind me and started to grind into me. Right away I could feel myself turning red and getting really warm, so I tried to break free, but he wouldn't let me.

"Don't try to run away blondie, I got you now." Axel pulled my back into his chest as he yelled over the music into my ear.

"Axe, quit it!" I yelled back as he ran one hand down my chest. I wanted it. I wanted it so damn bad. But as much as I hate to admit it, I'm very ….sensitive….and getting hard with so many people around would be horrifyingly embarrassing.

"Shit! Parties over!" A tan guy with silver hair yelled, turning off the music as he yanked the ipod out of the speaker and before I knew it, everyone was running around wildly and then, it was just Axel and me.

"Fucking campus police." Axel grunted as he began picking up trash.

"You're, you're sober?" I asked, since he seemed completely together and clear-headed.

"Yeah. I can handle alcohol really well, but it makes parties super boring." He shrugged with a smile and I turned red with embarrassment. Does that mean that he wanted to dance with me like that, or that he just wanted his friends to think he was as wasted as they were?

"Need help?" I asked, stooping down to pick up empty beer cans and to put his room back in a state of order.

"Thanks blondie." Axel smiled at me and gave me a high five when we finished cleaning almost a full hour later.

"Yeah, no problem."

"Sorry that the party bothered you." He said, not looking at me as he took of his pants and put on basketball shorts.

"It's ok." I said, paralyzed by the view of his tight boxers hugging everything about him; not to mention, I couldn't be mad when he apologized.

"You know, you're always welcomed to come over, even when there's not a party. We can have a party, just you and I." He smiled flirtatiously and I widened my eyes.

"Thanks, but I should get back to sleep." I pointed to the wall that separated our dorms and he shrugged.

"Whatever makes you happy blondie."

"Bye," I said, making my way towards the door. I was about to open it when Axel caught my arm.

"Bye, blondie." He pulled me into a tight hug and I could feel my cheeks turning warm as I grew confused. I wanted to stay in that hug, in that warm embrace where I felt so comfortable and felt so special. But I also knew that the longer I stayed, the more danger I was getting myself into.

"See ya." I broke away and went into my dorm. After I shut the door and locked it, I crawled into bed, not even sleepy anymore. But I was tired. Tired of being alone. Tired of having this conflicting confusion where I wanted so badly to tell him how I loved being noticed; but what tired me out the most, was thinking about how it wouldn't change anything.


	2. Not By Him

After the party, I decided to lay low, hoping not to draw too much attention to myself, not like I ever do anyway. I just thought that too much face time with Axel would end up brining out more humiliation and social awkwardness than I could afford, so I made it a goal of mine to avoid him.  
Of course, that plan can only work so well when you're dorm neighbors with the guy you're trying to dodge.  
Naturally, about four days after the party, as I was leaving for class, Axel met me in the hallway.  
"Hey Blondie, it's been a while." He gave me his flawless smile.  
"Yeah," I made it apparent that I was acting elusive intentionally.  
"So what are you up to?" Of course Axel tried to start a conversation.  
"Going to class," I said, smiling internally when I realized that I had an excuse to flee the scene.  
"Which one?" Axel didn't let up.  
"Sociology." I looked down the hall: my destination.  
"Is that your major?" Axel asked, seemingly interested, which only made it harder to break away.  
"Minor." I corrected him.  
"Oh ok, cause you don't come across as the 'social' type." Axel chuckled as I rolled my eyes.  
"Well, I have to go or I'll be late." I cleared my throat.  
"Alrighty, have fun Blondie." Axel patted my shoulder before he left to enter his dorm.  
I went to sociology, a two hour class, and when I came back, it was nearing dinner time. My stomach was growling wildly during class, and I kept myself awake and focused by dreaming about the microwavable food I had stashed in my dorm.  
I walked up the stairs, onto my floor, ready to pig out and pass out for the rest of the night when I saw that Axel's door was wide open.  
"Yo, Blondie!" Axel waved me in, so I let out a tame sigh before I leaned against the doorway.  
"Yeah?"  
"Have you eaten yet? I was about to go make a run for dinner when I saw you in the hall," Axel was slipping into his shoes as I gulped.  
"Oh, um, no, I'm fine," I lied, but of course, my stomach growling gave me away.  
"Yeah, sure you are," Axel laughed at me. "Come on, my treat,"  
"No, it's ok, I have homework," I brought up the most famous of excuses.  
"Well so do I, but you have to eat sometime, might as well make it now." Axel shrugged.  
"Really, I must decline, I'm sorry," I turned to enter my room, but Axel grabbed my arm and dragged me back down the stairs.  
"So, where do you want to go?"  
"I don't know, you're the one who's forcing me to come." I mumbled.  
"Oh quit acting like you're angry. You know you wanted to come deep down inside." Axel either saw right through me, or was calling my bluff all too easily.  
I had nothing to say to that, so I remained quiet.  
"They say silence is a confession." Axel whispered as we walked through the student car parking lot.  
"Who's 'they'?" I asked, just to look innocent.  
"I don't know." Axel shrugged.  
"Well not a very reliable source then, is it?" I smirked, loving how my random moments of intelligence come when I need it most.  
"What are you, a law major?" Axel chuckled as he got his keys out of his pocket. I was shocked and yet not at all when I saw the lights to a sleek, black, mustang go off.  
"That's your car?" I asked, wondering why I was so surprised. He totally came off as the prick who would own such a car, with black leather interior and the latest navigation system.  
"Yep," Axel walked to the passenger side and opened my door.  
"Thanks," I said quietly, getting into the low sports car.  
"I try to be a gentleman; it goes a long way." Axel shrugged before he got into the drivers spot.  
"Do you usually go off campus for food?" I asked, partially curious, but mostly just trying to keep away from the awkward silence.  
"Yeah,"  
"Alone?"  
"Well, usually I go with my buddy Demyx, but he's away with his swim team competing."  
"So I'm his backup?" I asked, anxious to hear his response.  
"Oh come on Blondie, don't look at it that way. Like I said at the party, you're always welcome. I just don't ever see you, don't have your number, and the few times I do see you, you're so sneaky about hiding."  
"Am not," I looked out the window.  
"Whatever you say little man," Axel kept his eyes on the darkening road.  
The drive turned quiet, and I hated it more than I hated his criticism.  
"So," I tried to think of a way to end the unnerving silence.  
"What?" Axel asked, as if he expected me to say something interesting.  
"Where are we going?"  
"I'm thinking burrito's, is that ok?" Axel asked and I nodded.  
"That's good."  
"Yeah," Axel coughed. "Oh, do you want to get a couple drinks?" He asked but I shook my head. Me drunk is awful. Me drunk alone with Axel? That's just asking for it.  
"No thanks."  
"Do you mind if I do?" Axel asked and I looked at the steering wheel.  
"You want to drink and drive?"  
"It's not like I'm going to get hammered." Axel chuckled so I shrugged.  
"Do what you want."  
"Usually I'm the sober one, giving rides, but now that my drinking buddies are all busy, I'd like to enjoy my time."  
"Drinking buddies?" I asked.  
"Yeah, you know, Marly and Xiggy and Luxy? We usually all go out drinking together, but every now and then one will cancel."  
"I see," We continued to make small talk about classes as we got our food, and decided to bring it back on campus, probably due to the uneasy expectations of a conversation that wasn't happening.  
"Ok, you win, no alcohol." Axel teased after he paid for the food, even though I offered to cover at least my meal.  
"Good," I remained short, as was part of my plan to avoid any awkwardness.  
"You know," Axel started as he started his car up to return back to campus.  
"Hm?"  
"I like hanging out with you. There are few people I enjoy being around while sober, and you're one of them." Axel smiled at me, so I took his compliment.  
"Thank you." I could feel a fuzzy moment coming, so I tried to work around it by dodging the bullet.  
"Do you mind if we put some music on?" I asked.  
"Go ahead," Axel pushed a button before vulgar music started. I gulped as lyrics about steaming shower sex fogged my mind. The singer was adamant about putting images of enticing and arousing body parts into the desires of any listener.  
"Sorry, I don't usually listen to this shit, but Xiggy does." Axel turned the dial, but by then it was too late. My heart was already pounding, my body yearned for skin contact, and I could feel my pants begging for freedom. I cleared my throat. Fuck. I get hard so easily, it's quite pathetic. It had always been my number one shame, but it was always beyond my control.  
"It's fine," I fidgeted in my chair.  
Thankfully the music drowned out all need for cheesy conversation, but Axel continued to glance over at me every red light, asking me if I was ok as I nodded through flushed cheeks.  
I hated myself for thinking about doing such disgraceful things with Axel, but my mind was already lost in a fluid and pleasing fantasy of enjoying the company of a naked redhead.  
"Here we are," Axel parked and I rushed out the door. "Hey, take it easy Blondie," Axel laughed at me as I hurried back into our dorm building.  
"Thank you for dinner," I said, handing him the munny to pay for my meal.  
"Don't worry about it," Axel smiled at me as we got into the elevator together.  
"I'll take the stairs," I walked to leave, but Axel grabbed the back of my shirt and yanked me to his side as the doors closed.  
"Don't be ridiculous." Axel rolled his eyes at me before we rode up several flights.  
"Well, thanks again," I said before I bolted down the hall.  
"You're welcome to eat with me in my dorm," Axel offered, but I shook my head.  
"I'm afraid I'm already behind with my homework." I gulped.  
"Look, Blondie," Axel said, his voice stern and serious, so I decided to face him and look him in the eye for the first time all night.  
"Yes?"  
"I'm just trying to be nice. The whole floor knows you don't have any friends here. It's obvious that you're alone and scared of people. If you want to stay that way, just let me know so I can stop wasting your time, and mine." Axel unlocked his door and went into his dorm. I looked down into my arms, full of my burrito and some chips before I slowly entered my room.  
When the door closed, I dropped my food on my desk, wishing there was some way around all of this confliction inside me. All Axel wanted to be, was a friend, and that hurt for two reasons. It hurt, because I was rejecting his kind and innocent offer. What hurt the most, was knowing that friends was as much as we could ever be.  
I wanted to be his everything, and yet, I wanted to be his nothing. Nothing. Isn't that what I am to so many people? One could easily say that it's my own damn fault for not having friends, but it's only because I watched myself get replaced by everyone else that I resorted to such a dramatic form of isolation. It's not like I woke up one day and decided I'd lose all my friends. They all ditched me. They all replaced me. And now here I am looking like some pathetic waste of life, when all I ever wanted was to be noticed. Since I can't get what I want, I might as well accept it. Better yet, I might as well embrace it, welcome it, and get used to it. At the very least, it might make this loneliness a bit easier.  
I sighed, realizing that my erotic stimulation was subsiding as a result of all of the deep thinking I was doing.  
I didn't want to be alone anymore. But I just can't afford to be forgotten one more time. Not again. Not by him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Living Legacy, Silent Sacrifice,   
> Sarabellum


	3. The Acting Became Reality

The next day came before I knew it and I was falling behind on my homework. Thanks to Axel's treat to dinner, I was bothered all night, thinking about what our potential friendship could look like. By the time I woke up after trying to sleep my sorrow away, I had to rush to the dining hall to cram breakfast before returning to my dorm to start a long day. Sadly, even that was a fail.  
"Aye, Blondie, how you doing?" Axel asked casually as I rushed down the hall to my dorm, fiddling with my key, unable to get it in the lock.  
"Stressed." I kept it short.  
"You should relax."  
"No thanks." I ignored him and started to go into my dorm when I realized that he was coming in with me. "Can I help you?" I turned around, keeping him in the doorway.  
"I've never been inside your dorm." Axel said, trying to peep in.  
"Well sucks for you." I started to close the door, but he put his hand on it.  
"Quit being a recluse." He smirked and pushed it open, much stronger than I am, so I gave up and walked to my desk. I had never let anyone inside, which was something I both hated and took pride in, but I was actually nervous of having company.  
"It's quiet and plain." Axel said, staring at my white walls and empty room.  
"It's peaceful." I corrected him and he sighed.  
"So what are you doing?" he sat his ass on my books that were resting on my desk, next to my hand. So dangerously close.  
"Homework." I sighed, trying to give him the hint to leave.  
"Sounds boring."  
"Yeah, well, it's college."  
"Yeah, so enjoy it before it ends." Axel put his hand on my head, but I was quick to push it off.  
"Don't you have anything better to do?" I huffed, scribbling away in my notebook.  
"What's that for?" Axel asked at my notebook and I rolled my eyes.  
"It's for sociology." I said, annoyed.  
"Can I see it?" He asked but I wasn't amused.  
"No."  
"Why are you so mean?" He stood up and I gulped. Ouch. Ok, so I know I'm not that social, but I don't want to come off as mean.  
"I'm not." I said quietly.  
"Yeah, you are." He said and I inhaled deep. Was he trying to hurt me?  
"Just go." I whispered and he sighed loudly.  
"Whatever you want." He left and then, without even realizing it, I felt tears trickle down my cheek.  
I never wanted to come off as a jerk, but I'm just not used to having people want to talk to me. It's not my fault. I swear it.  
To my parents I was nonexistent, because my twin, Sora, had always been the favorite. He had the cute adorable face, perfect brunette hair, a friendly smile, and the positive outlook that made everyone love him. I was just the weird kid who preferred to sit in a corner. It's not that I wanted to be alone; as I grew up watching my parents love Sora more, I realized that at least if I acted invisible, I couldn't blame them for not noticing me. Pretty soon, the acting became reality.  
I stayed up that whole night, wondering what was it about me that made me look like an ass. Ok, sure, I never participate in any of our events on campus and I never go to any parties. I don't have any friends here or at home, so I don't really talk much. I never say a word in class, and I don't talk to anyone when I have free time. I have a small TV in my dorm, and that's all I need to entertain myself. Maybe I just don't know how to communicate? I remember Sora told me that, when we were still in junior high, back when I actually had friends. I didn't know what that meant, so I never changed. By the time high school came, I was already half dead inside.  
I was watching TV that next day, still trying to figure out if there was any hope left in me when there was a knock at my door. I never get visitors, and again, I have no friends. The only people who ever knock on my door are drunk idiots or hot chicks, both of which are always looking for Axel's room. I decided to wait and hope they'd just figure it out on their own, that they had the wrong door, but when that didn't happen I sighed, already bothered as I hopped off of my lifted bed and opened the door.  
"Seifer?" I asked. I hadn't seen him since he dumped me two years ago.  
"Rox, I want to talk with you." Seifer walked right into my dorm as I stood there, confused. What the fuck was going on? What ex randomly just shows up to your college dorm, unannounced, and says that he wants to talk? "You coming?" he asked as he took the liberty of making himself comfortable by sitting on my bed.  
"Huh?" I asked, still tangled in the awkward twist of fate. Could he miss me? Does he want to get back together?  
"Sit down." He patted the bed beside him and I gulped as I slowly let the door close so that I could join him.  
"What are you doing here?" I asked. I wanted to know what brought him to see me so randomly at night. Maybe, maybe we will get back together? That has to be it. Why else would he come? My heart was already racing.  
"Look, I know this sounds weird and random and all, but there's something that I have to say."  
I nodded. Go on. Yes, beg for me. Tell me that you missed me, and that you want me, and that you regret ripping my heart out. Tell me that I matter.  
"Remember Olette?" Seifer asked and I froze, eyes wide. Olette. I used to be friends with her, until Seifer dumped me for her. He said that I was too boring, too plain, too dull for him and that he wanted someone with a sense of adventure and curiosity; someone like Olette.  
"Yeah." I said quietly. Why would he remind me of something so painful?  
"Well, we're over. She dumped me for Pence. Pence, of all people." Seifer shook his head. Ok I have to agree with him on that one. Pence is another one of the friends I used to have, but I'd take Seifer over him any day; not like I have that option anyway.  
"Oh." I said. What else could I say? What did he expect me to say? Where is this all going?  
"I know it might seem random that I'm here, but I need you now." Seifer said and I smiled. He needs me. He wants me. I matter. I actually forgot what this feeling was called. You know, when you get butterflies because things feel too good to be true, and you'd die to make this moment last? Yeah, that. That light headed feeling where everything is right and nothing hurts. When all the pain in your life, all the hurt just melts away because someone actually wants you in their life…I missed that feeling.  
"Seifer," I smiled, my eyes about to tear up with happiness when he continued.  
"I know that you were friends with Pence and Olette, but now I can't really talk to either of them, seeing as how there is a conflict of interest. That's why I need you." Seifer asked and I was puzzled again. How is that at all relevant?  
"Um, I'm a little lost." I needed to know more. I didn't get how any of this was relevant, since the second that Seifer dumped me in front of our entire class and asked Olette out seconds later, everyone stopped talking to me. Or maybe I just stopped talking to everyone? I don't remember which, but that doesn't even matter anymore.  
"You see, I really remember liking that Hayner guy, and I know you were tight with him." Seifer smiled and I couldn't hold back my utterly lost expression.  
"HUH?!" I asked and Seifer inhaled deeply before he exhaled into relaxation.  
"Hayner, I mean, yeah he used to be a bit of a bully and we used to have a thing against each other, but he's cute. And he's just as adventurous and active as I am. I think we'd make a good couple." Seifer shrugged and I could feel my heart sinking.  
"You came all the way here to ask me to hook you up with someone else?" I asked, my eyes starting to show all the water that seemed to be drowning me.  
"Roxas, don't be like this." Seifer put his hands on my shoulders as I sniffled.  
"We haven't talked since you dumped me." I blinked over and over, my eyes trying to get rid of all the water storing up.  
"I know, but there's just no way you and I can work."  
"But I miss you." I sniffled louder. I missed Seifer so much, and not even for the right reasons. I just missed company. I missed being valuable to someone. I missed being told that I have worth. Fuck, even when I dated Seifer, I never had any of that, but I had an illusion of it, and it was somehow enough to keep me in the shitty relationship. Seifer openly flirted, but I wasn't allowed to do such things. He told me that if I loved him I wouldn't need to look at anyone else, but those principles never applied to him. I used to think about asking him about his own flirting, but I never wanted to scare him away. He was the only person I had left, and even though I knew he was just using me, I didn't care. "I really missed you," I repeated in my pathetic state.  
"I can't say the same." Seifer put a hand up to my cheek and I inhaled deeply. I wanted him. I wanted to feel his arms around me. I wanted to feel safe and secure like I used to when I had friends, and when I had a sense of who I was. Once he dumped me in front of our entire class, everyone thought I was a loser. I was ignored, bullied, made fun of, and officially labeled as an outcast. All the while, Sora got all the praise se and attention cause he was the 'good kid'; the only one worth noticing.  
"Take me back." I begged, not sounding desperate, but man was I.  
"No Rox." Seifer asked, sounding annoyed.  
My lower lips quivered as I let a tear fall.  
"Don't cry." He said, wiping my tear with his soft thumb. I reached for his hand, but he removed it from my face. "You just have to understand, Rox, we weren't meant to be."  
I nodded through a heavy throat. You know when your throat feels clogged and you're trying to swallow but it just feels so heavy?  
"Kay." I mumbled.  
"We just aren't compatible. I need someone fun and curious and someone who has a sense of adventure." He shrugged, trying to sound cheerful, but I was beyond that now.  
"Kay." I repeated like a broken record that I perhaps really am.  
"See Rox? You're expecting someone to magically fall in love with you but there's no YOU to fall in love with!" Seifer yelled and my confused look was all that he needed before he continued to explain. "You're just this walking, sleeping, eating robot. You have no emotions, no feelings, no nothing! You're just dead!" Seifer yelled again.  
He was wrong. Those words made me angry, hurt, crushed.  
"You don't know how to push back!" Seifer shoved hard on my shoulders, pushing me back a little, but I just looked away, placing a hand over a sore shoulder. "No wonder you're all alone. There's nothing to you. Nothing worth falling in love with!" Seifer shook his head as I growled.  
"You're wrong!" I shouted and he looked at me surprised. "I do have feelings and I'm fucking pissed!" I screamed loudly. My throat scratched and I panted, feeling relieved yet still so upset.  
"So am I." Seifer got off of my bed as I snarled.  
"Get out of my room!" I yelled.  
"I already am, bitch!" Seifer yelled back as we both aimed for the door.  
"Get out of my life!" I opened the door as I screamed again, all while he gladly stepped into the hall.  
"You know, I hope you continue to rot all alone." Seifer scoffed, surprisingly calm as he walked away.  
I huffed slowly, my anger being replaced with sorrow, when I looked at my right to see that Axel was standing in his doorway, arms crossed.  
"Hey, there's no need for that." Axel called after Seifer, who turned around.  
"Excuse me?" I should have warned Axel how much Seifer hates being challenged.  
"Blondie, is this punk messing with you?" Axel asked me, but I shook my head, to avoid conflict.  
"Heh, such a pathetic and helpless bitch; you can't even defend yourself when someone else is trying to." Seifer spat at me, so I gulped.  
"You, shut the fuck up!" Axel pointed at my ex.  
"You going to make me?"  
"Get your ass off of my floor before I hurt it." Axel rolled up his sleeves as I watched in nervousness.  
"Ppft, you aren't worth my time," Seifer said to Axel. "And you aren't worth shit." He turned to me and smiled before he left.  
"Don't listen to him." Axel said to me after my ex disappeared around the corner towards the elevator, but it was too late; I knew Seifer's words were true.  
I wanted to thank Axel for trying to defend me, but I just didn't have the energy, or even the will, to do or say anything. I could only stand there, feeling so utterly lost and confused.  
"You want to talk about it?" Axel asked so calmly. I ignored him. Seifer was right. It's all my own fault anyway. I deserve to rot alone.  
I started to go back inside my dorm when I heard Axel's light footsteps following me.  
"Hey, Blondie? What's going on?" His voice was so soothing and relaxing, that it almost made me answer.  
I kept my back towards him as my lip quivered and I fought back sobs.  
"What's wrong?" Axel whispered, standing right behind me. "Why are you crying?" He asked softly and at that, I blew it. I cried out just before I buried my hands in my face. I didn't care anymore. I didn't care if Axel saw me cry. I just didn't care about anything. I cried good and hard , dropping to my knees, wishing I could just end it all.  
"Go away!" I shouted. I needed to be alone. Alone. It's the way I live, it's what I need. No one wants to be with me, so why should I want to be with anyone?  
"Hey, calm down." I could hear Axel sitting next to me. "You want to talk about it? Tell me what's going on." Axel pulled at my arms to free my face, but I fought back. "Hey. Knock it off." He said firmly, yet sweet. It almost puzzled me, the way he was so demanding yet kind, so I gave up.  
I wiped my face with my sleeve before he took my hands.  
"Who was that?" He asked and I looked away.  
"My ex." I didn't want him to know that I was gay, but the fight with Seifer was probably enough proof.  
"Is he bothering you? Can he not leave you alone or accept that it's over?" Axel asked and I could only wish he was right. I laughed, but not in humor; more in my desperation.  
"He dumped me." I explained, my throat feeling scratchy again as I sniffled.  
"Oh, I see. Just now?" Axel leaned back against my desk and patted the carpet next to him, so I sat beside him.  
"Two years ago. We stopped talking back then, but then he randomly shows up to ask me to hook him up with someone I used to know." I shook my head, angry again.  
"Wow. Well now he's a dumbass for two reasons." Axel shook his head as well and I looked at him, silently asking for clarification. "He's a dick for asking his ex to do something like that. But his biggest mistake, was letting you go." Axel put his arm around me.  
Fuck. What did he just say? My chest started rising higher, my heartbeat increasing. His arm was warm. So warm. So warm and soft, yet strong.  
"He was right." I let my face fall back into my hands as I scrunched my knees to my chest. Damn, I'm so pathetic.  
"Shh, no, don't say that. Clearly he doesn't see you for who you are, and that's his fault."  
"But there's nothing worth seeing in me." I rested my chin on my knees, my hands now squeezing my legs closer to my body."  
"I see a lot in you. And to be honest, I only wish you'd share more." Axel rested his head on my shoulder and I sat up straight.  
"You do?" I asked and Axel nodded.  
"I'm really sorry I called you mean yesterday. I guess I was just upset that you close yourself off so much. It's not fair for those of us who want to get to know you more."  
"You, you want to get to know me?" I asked, not able to comprehend what that really meant. Most people are perfectly fine with my invisibility, and the rest are so good at knowing that I'm invisible, they forget I exist.  
"I find you very entertaining Blondie." Axel smiled and I looked down into his eyes before I rolled mine.  
"I'm not here for your amusement." I said. His head on my shoulder started to feel really good, especially the way his hair softly rubbed against my neck.  
"No, but you're holding back cause you're scared. You think that you're protecting yourself by hiding, but all you're doing is cheating people out of meeting a great guy." Axel sat up, nestled his hand in my hair, and then stood to his full, tall frame.  
"Thanks." I said, not wanting to admit just how much that meant to me. I'm sure I was smiling, even though I tried so hard to hide it. Was I blushing? God I hope not. But how can he be so sweet and kind all the time? Especially when I'm not even half as civilized back? He offered me his hand and I took it so he could help me stand up.  
"Don't let anyone tell you who you are. That's only for you to decide." Axel smiled before he walked out and for some reason, I had to fight back the urge to follow him.


	4. Isn't It Obvious?

Exam week came and every student looked like a zombie by the time sleep deprivation kicked in. There is one day each semester where the entire university has exams and we students spend all week cramming, and once the day ends, people either party or hibernate. Guess which category I fall into? No matter which group you belong to, we all belong to the same group of zombies worrying about grades more than sleep. I had dark circles under my eyes from staying up late studying and I had no social life at all, which is pretty much how I live every other week anyway.  
Then, of course, I saw Axel the day before exam day and he was looking fresh and well rested and like the only real human among us zombies.  
"Hey, whats up blondie?" He asked as we walked up a flight of stairs to get to our floor.  
"Tired." I said, the only word on my mind.  
"Yeah, this week gets crazy."  
"You look just fine." I scoffed, a bit jealous that he didn't seem to be falling apart like the rest of us.  
"Aww, thanks blondie. You're looking adorable as always." He winked and I rolled my eyes at his sarcasm.  
"Don't you have something to study for?"  
"Yeah, but why bother killing yourself for just one test?" He put his arms behind his head and it made his arms look twice as muscular.  
"I guess." I said, not really wanting to think about it, or anything.  
"Well, I'll catch you round. If you get bored, you know where to find me." he messed up my bed-hair and I pushed his hand off my hair as I went into my room and locked the door behind me.  
When exam day was over, I spent that whole next day in bed, trying to make up for all the lost sleep.  
"Blondie? You home?" I heard pounding on my door that disturbed my hibernation and I rolled out of bed, lazily stumbling to the door.  
"What do you need?" I yawned, my eyes still half closed.  
"Come on, it's celebration time!" Axel yelled and I shuddered.  
"I want to sleep." I started to turn around to go back into my room when he yanked me into his room, shutting the door behind him.  
"Quit being a little introvert and enjoy the fact that you survived exams!" Axel held a beer out to me and I shook my head.  
"I don't drink." I rubbed the sleep from my eyes.  
"Why not?"  
"I…I don't hold it well." I remember last time I had alcohol, I got all pissy and started yelling and then I puked for the rest of the night.  
"I'll take care of you. Come on, just one." He opened it and I took it just to shut him up.  
Way too many beers later,  
"And do ya know why?!" I screamed at Axel, who sat quietly on his floor while I stood up over him.  
"No?" he seemed to be amused with my drunken state.  
"Cuz *hiccup* cuz I'm always the one getting hurt!" I yelled and he shrugged.  
"Why do you think that?" He patted the floor next to him and I plopped at his side.  
"Cuz it's *hiccup* true." I sniffled and he put an arm around me.  
"Who hurts you?" He wasn't anywhere near drunk; he hardly touched his second can.  
"Everyone. My only boyfriend dumped me because I'm boring. *hiccup* and my parents don't ever call me because to them I don't exist, and I lost my only friend."  
"What friend blondie?" Axel squeezed my shoulder and I burped.  
"When I was lil I had a friend, but I lost him."  
"He died?"  
"No *hiccup*, I can't find him."  
"Where'd he go?"  
"I dunno." I shrugged and my eyes watered.  
"You're such a sad drunk blondie." Axel's voice was too calm and serious for me.  
"Well it's not my fault you made me drink!" I stood up, almost falling over, yelling and he stood up too.  
"Hey, take it easy."  
"No YOU take it easy!" I went for another beer and he grabbed me.  
"I don't think you should have another."  
"I don't think I care!" I shouted and he pulled me close to him, his hands on my wrists.  
"No more." He said sternly and I pushed him, going again for that beer.  
"I want it." I kicked over his can, spilling its contents on the floor in front of me.  
"Watch out!" He yelled as I slipped on the spilled liquid, hitting my head on his bookshelf on my way down.  
"Owwy." I put my hand to my head and he knelt in front of me.  
"What am I going to do with you?" He sighed, lifting me up and putting me on his bed.  
"I'm not sleepy." I kicked as he pulled the blankets over my legs.  
"Knock it off." He said, struggling to keep me still.  
"Hahahaha," I laughed loudly and he pinned my legs down, which worked until I pushed on his body with my arms.  
"Quite it blondie." He groaned as he tried to swat at my flailing hands.  
"Hehehehe." I giggled and he let go of me, standing up straight before he leaned in by my head.  
"You have such a cute giggle." He stared deep into my eyes, and even in my drunkenness, I could tell that it was getting close.  
"If you think I'm so cute, kiss me." I stuck my tongue out and he shook his head, about to laugh.  
"What?" He asked in comical disbelief.  
"Kiss me." I said, making silly faces like an impatient child.  
"Be careful what you wish for." Axel smiled and I rolled my eyes.  
"I've been wishing for a kiss from you since we moved in." I sat up, still drunk, too drunk, way too drunk to realize what I was doing.  
"You what?" Axel asked, no longer in comical disbelief but pure disbelief.  
"I said, I've been waiting for you to kiss me."  
"You have?"  
"Yeah. You're so cute and hot, but you're a flirt Axe, and it hurts me cause it makes me feel less special when you spend so much time smiling with girls. But I'm a guy, so it won't ever work." I put a hand on my heart and Axel put his hand over mine.  
"Why do you think it won't work?"  
"Cause you're always around girls. You love them, cause you're a guy too." I pointed at him, my fingertip on his chest and he smiled.  
"But I don't like girls."  
"You don't?" I asked, way too surprised, way too drunk.  
"No. In fact, I love a guy right now."  
"Oh." My heart sank and I was turning back into the sad depressed drunk.  
"Yeah, his name is Roxas."  
"Roxas? That's me!" I said putting a hand on my chest and he nodded with an adorable smile.  
"Yeah. You're so cute blondie."  
"You know my name?" I asked, surprised that he knew what it was.  
"Yeah. I just, I'm afraid to say it, cause I only use it when I come." He winked and I scratched my head.  
"Come from where?"  
He laughed. "No silly. When I touch myself." He sat on the bed and I gulped.  
"But, I thought you have sex with girls."  
"No, I've never had sex, especially not with a girl."  
"But, I've heard you before. Your bed squeaks and you pant really loudly."  
"Yeah, cause I'm thinking of you."  
"Of me?"  
"Yeah. I stay up and think of your cute face and that sexy body of yours, and I get all hard."  
"I'm sexy?" I giggled and he nodded.  
"Yeah, irresistible." He leaned in and our foreheads touched. He inhaled big and I shivered.  
"Axe?"  
"Yeah blondie?" He asked, his eyes closed, as if he were trying to take in the moment.  
"I don't feel so good." I put a hand over my stomach.  
"Shit!" He stood up and grabbed a trash can, holding it over the side of the bed. And of course, I missed. I threw up all over his bedding, my head swirling.  
"I feel better." I said, half conscious.  
"Just lie down." He ripped the blankets off of me and put some spares on his bed over my tired body.  
"Axe?"  
"Yeah?" he sounded tried.  
"Night." I snuggled into his bed, falling asleep right after I felt him kiss my temple.  
"M?" I woke up with a yawn, stretching my arms as I sat up. I stretched my legs, till I felt something hard.  
"Ow!"  
"WAH! What the fuck are you doing in my room?!" I yelled, falling out of Axel's bed and falling hard onto the floor.  
"The fuck? You're in my room after you passed out!" Axel sat up with a hand to his head.  
"I passed out?" I stayed on the ground, completely lost and confused.  
"Yeah. You got drunk and puked on my bed and fell asleep."  
"No." I shook my head, refusing that I had been in his room all night long, in the same damn bed as him.  
"Yea, look!" he pointed to a pile where his usual blankets were piled up in.  
"That's impossible! I've been asleep since I finished my exam." I said, mainly to convince myself.  
"You were seriously that drunk?"  
"I don't drink!" I yelled and he rolled his eyes.  
"Figures. You don't remember shit do you?"  
"No, there's nothing to remember. I took my exam, went in my room, and fell asleep."  
"Yeah, then you came in here, had way too much to drink, yelled at me, then started crying, and then you puked right after," He paused, thought, then shook his head.  
"Right after?" I grew quiet, scared of what might come next.  
"Nevermind."  
"What did we do last night?" I stood up, curious, scared, hoping.  
"Obviously it's not important if you don't even remember." Axel got off his bed and I sighed.  
"I told you I don't handle alcohol well."  
"Oh so you remember that but not anything else?" Axel snapped, glaring at my harshly. I had never seen him angry before, and it was starting to scare me.  
"I'm sorry." I whispered, hurt by his pain.  
"Whatever Roxas." He exhaled loudly and I froze.  
"You know my name?"  
"Yeah, I said it last night, many times, but obviously you don't remember."  
"I said I'm sorry!" I fisted my hands.  
"I'm glad you can remember that!" He stood over me, angry, and I got scared by the intimidating figure hovering over me.  
"I…I'm sorry." I said so quietly, I didn't think he heard me.  
He sighed. "Just go get some rest." He opened his door and once I had both feet out, he slammed the door.  
I've never seen him in a foul mood of any kind, but this, this was just terrifying.  
I went straight into my room after I woke up in Axel's, trying desperately to remember what had happened the night before, but for the life of me, I couldn't remember a thing. That's why I never drank, because I end up forgetting shit and my friends tell me that I puke everywhere. Of course, that's when I had friends. Now, now it's just me.  
When I was really little, I used to play with my next-door-neighbor. We'd play catch or tag or go over to each other's house to play video games. Sometimes, we stay over at night, and I remember one night, he held me. We used to make forts out of blankets and chairs, and in our little hand-made tent, he put his arms around me. I snuggled into him and for the rest of the night, we stayed like that. I would go to his house as often as I could to play with him, and I'd sneak out at night just to climb into his window so we could make tents and sleep together. But then, one day, he was gone. I lost him, and no matter how hard I tried to look for years afterward, I never found him.  
After hours of hiding in my blankets, trying to avoid the possibility that I might have slept in the same bed as Axel, I got out of bed. I stood on my feet, my hips feeling a bit sore. I remember how odd walking felt when I fell out of his bed and tried to leave his room, but I was too confused to notice. But now, now I could feel this awkward sensation in my hips.  
Oh god.  
Did we?  
No.  
What?  
Fuck.  
Fuck.  
Shit fuck.  
Did we fuck?  
Oh shit.  
I shook my head. I couldn't have let him touch me. There's no way, right? He's not even gay, so why would he touch me? But then again, I did puke my guts out on his bed. So there's a chance he had to touch me at least somewhere. Fuck, I can't believe I threw up. Shit, I should apologize.  
I got the courage to get out of my room, knock on his door, and wait for him to open it with a serious face.  
"What?" He asked; no smile, no twinkle in his eye. Nothing.  
"I, I'm sorry I threw upon your bed." I said sheepishly.  
"It's fine."  
"Look, I'm sorry that I got that drunk. Did we, did we do anything?"  
"Why do you care?"  
"Because I want to know! It's my body, I have a right to know!" I got defensive and he sighed.  
"If it's that important to you, don't pass out." He turned around but I stopped the door from closing.  
"Why are you being like this?" I asked, actually missing his flirty side.  
"Like what? I'm just saying that if you want to remember what you do with me, then you should take better care of yourself." Axel sat at his laptop but I stood at his side.  
"I didn't even want to drink!"  
"How the fuck do you remember that but not asking me to kiss you?" He stood up and I stood frozen.  
"What?"  
"You told me you liked me and you told me that you wanted me to kiss you."  
"And, and then what happened?"  
"Nothing. You puked." Axel looked away, like he was sad.  
"Yeah, sorry about that." I said, hoping that I wasn't mistaking his look of sorrow for something else.  
"Whatever." Axel crossed his arms and I shrugged.  
"Look it's not my fault I can't remember ok?"  
"Do you want me to kiss you are not?" He looked like he was seriously considering the options and I grew confused.  
"What are you talking about?"  
"Oh my fucking god Roxas! See, this is why you don't have any friends! You forget about them!" Axel yelled and I took his words to heart, tearing up at how I really didn't have any friends.  
"I'm sorry." I sobbed and he sighed.  
"I'm sorry I yelled, I'm just, I'm so frustrated because it's like you don't even remember what we used to have."  
"What do you mean?" I sniffled and he blinked rapidly.  
"You're joking, right?"  
"What?" I asked, starting to cry again.  
"You know what? Fuck you." Axel shook his head and I got so angry.  
"Fuck you! I'm confused and you aren't helping!"  
"I shouldn't have to help my best friend remember who I am!"  
"Best friend?" I asked, as if to myself.  
"Wow. Really? Really Roxas?" Axel shook his head and opened his bedroom door. I thought he was going to kick me out, but I found it odd that he was leaving. Where did he plan to go if not to his own room?  
"Axel?" I asked, following him, allowing the door to close and when it did with a 'click', I realized that it was pre-locked.  
"Fucking shit man!" Axel put his hands in his hair. Great, I just locked him out of his room. That's always a pain in the ass because you have to call security, wait for half an hour, and let them unlock your door for you.  
"I'm sorry!" I blurted and he put his hands over his eyes.  
"I can't believe this." He sighed and I felt so bad.  
"You can wait in my room." I said, unlocking my door as he dug into his pockets.  
"I don't even have my phone."  
"You can use mine." I said and he followed me into my room. It was the first time I ever let him inside willingly, and I was so glad that it was after exams, and after I had cleaned the piles of dirty clothes and food wrappers.  
"Thanks," He said as I handed him my phone and he dialed the number, all of us having it in our phones just in case we got locked out, since it happens more than it should.  
After he hung up, he sat on my floor.  
"You can sit on my bed if you want." I said, sitting on my bed so he'd feel more comfortable.  
He stood and sat next to me and I hated the awkward tension that hindered our conversation making.  
I thought about it more and more; I was comfortable enough with him last night to drink enough to get that hammered. I don't know why I asked him to kiss me but why would have I asked it if I didn't mean it, even in my subconscious? And on top of it all, I fell asleep in his bed. But then, he fell asleep with me too. He could have slept on his floor, but he didn't. He sacrificed room just to share a bed with me; so maybe, maybe….maybe I'm crazy, or just a fool in denial. But maybe, he likes me? But he couldn't. I'm a guy and I hate him. Or…do I? Do I hate him, or am I just jealous that I don't have him?  
"I'm really sorry Axe." I twiddled my thumbs.  
"It's fine."  
"Look, I don't want things to be weird between us."  
"Me either."  
"So, can we stay friends?" I asked, hoping I could actually call him that instead of just a neighbor.  
"Just friends?" he asked and I nodded.  
"Yeah, why?"  
"Isn't it obvious? I want to be with you."  
"You do?" I sat up straight and he nodded.  
"Yeah, and I thought it was mutual."  
"You, you like me?" Now I was really lost.  
"Yeah. I always have. That's what's bothering me. It's not that you puked or passed out on me when we were starting to get close; it's that you act like you don't remember who I am." Axel put his hand over his heart and I shrugged.  
"I'm sorry. I guess I just have a bad memory."  
"It hurts. It's like you said, it makes me feel less special."  
"I'm really sorry Aki." I put my hand over my mouth. What did I just say? Why did I just call him the name I used to call my childhood friend? I'm so glad I never mentioned Aki's name, or nickname to Axel, or anyone for that matter. To be honest I don't remember what Aki's real name is, but still. I can't believe I called Axel that.  
"What?" He turned to me and I became extremely flustered.  
"Nothing, sorry!" I blurted and he took my hand off of my mouth.  
"What did you just call me?" He asked, his eyes fierce, but I was saved when security came to let him back into his room.  
He got up and went into his room while I stayed in mine, terrified of what I had just done and what that could bring.


	5. Remember Your Aki

The weekend came and he went off campus, so I was free for two whole days without any distractions or confusion. After the whole Seifer incident plus Axel's flare up, I figured it would be best to just stay away from anything or one that would make my head spin, and Axel definitely makes it on that list. But when he came back, I made a point to avoid him and any awkwardness that would come by being near him.

I was avoiding him like he had a deadly disease, and I hated how shallow I felt at the lengths I went to in order to make sure we didn't run into each other, but I couldn't help it. I'd look out my door before I'd leave to make sure he wasn't in the hallway; I'd make sure I didn't see his towel hanging over any shower curtains; stupid paranoid stuff like that. For a whole week I acted like I couldn't be anywhere near him, and one day when I was tip toeing down the hall, I felt a hand on my shoulder, yanking me backward.

"Whoa!" I yelled as I fell into his hands.

"Calm down." He said, looking serious.

"Did you have to give me a heart attack?" I said, trying to control my racing heart.

"Did you have to break mine?" He folded his arms and I looked at him funny.

"What are you talking about?"

"Come with me," he turned around, not even checking if I followed, but I knew I could only avoid him for so long, since it really was a lot of work.

"What is it?" I asked after he shut the door behind me.

"Answer me this Roxas: Do you really not remember, or do you just not want to remember?"

"Remember what?" I said, getting angry and impatient.

"Remember your Aki!" He said, pointing to his chest.

Wait a second. He….he's my Aki? My best friend, from my past?

"Aki?" I asked. My memories of him were vague at best because I was little, but now that I thought about it, he did look a lot like him.

"Yeah, your Aki! How many fucking redheads do you know?" He pointed to his hair as I gulped.

"You calling me stupid?" He had a point, but it's not my fault I forgot.

"Maybe careless." He scoffed as I grew frustrated. "Roxy, I held you and took care of you when you were sick and when your parents would ignore you. I kissed you and loved you when you would cry that no one else would." Axel looked at the floor, looking so sad, and so I joined him by staring at my shoes with a frown.

"Those memories seem too good to be true."

"Well they are true and it's not fair that you're taking whatever issues you have out on me!" Axel yelled and I got angrier.

"Issues? Excuse me that I don't want to be used and hurt!"

"All I want to do is love you." Axel said irritably and I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, that really proves it."

"You know what Rox, you can go fuck your cocky lil self all alone for all I care." Axel crossed his arms and bent down to be eye level with me, and before I could stop myself, I slapped him.

I didn't even realize how my eyes were watering.

"Fuck you! I am all alone because my Aki left me and I couldn't find him! I'm sorry if I don't want to be loved, but I don't know what it feels like and I'm scared because I don't want to have to look for anyone again. I don't want to be alone." I sobbed as I covered my face with my hands, and to my surprise, I felt his arms around me.

"You don't have to be alone Roxas. Your Aki is back. I'll love you and care for you, just like I used to." Axel whispered but I pushed him away.

"Who says I want your love anymore? It's too late!" I opened his door and ran into my room, scared of what could have happened next if I didn't; scared that I could have accepted his tempting offer, or that I would have snapped and made the situation much worse.

From now on, I really have to avoid him. I have to make sure I never end up alone with him; cause as afraid as I am of being alone forever, I'm more afraid of being loved and having to love in return.

It wasn't long till Axel came knocking on my door, but I never answered it. I heard him calling my name, but I never responded. Thank god he didn't have my number, but I know I never would have gotten my lazy, selfish, ass out of bed. Was I being selfish? Or just careful? Either way, I had to protect myself. From what? I'm not exactly sure, but it's out there, whatever 'it' is, and I refuse to let myself fall victim to it.

Thanks to all of my busy classes, I hardly ran into him for the next week and a half. I went a long time not having to see that perfect face, those dazzling eyes, or those tempting lips.

I worked hard to be invisible, but on my way back from class one day, I felt a hand pulling my arm and next thing I knew, I was in his dorm, backed up into the closed door, his palms at the sides of my hair.

"Axel?" I asked, trying to squirm to leave, but he wouldn't let me move as he pinned my wrists above my head and pushed my legs into the door behind me with his.

He didn't say anything; didn't look me in the eye, but he did kiss me. He pressed his lips hard against mine as I fidgeted, trying to escape. When I pushed hard enough, he backed up.

"What the fuck?" I yelled, running out of his dorm and into mine, locking the door behind me. I don't know why, but I started crying. I sat against my locked door, sobbing to myself as I hated him more for making me hate myself.

I didn't love him, didn't want to love him; I just wanted to be alone in my lonely life and move on. Right? Fuck, I can't even lie to myself. His lips were so warm, so smooth and friendly, but it was painful. It ached my heart to the core, just feeling the love escape from his flesh and onto mine. I didn't want it. I didn't want him. I just wanted to go back to how things were, before he cared about me. I just wanted to go back to being invisible. I know I used to bitch about it, but at least when I'm invisible, I'm alone in my misery. Now, now I dragged Axel into my drama, and I hate feeling so guilty for other people's suffering. I was the blame for my parents problems, and I never want to be the reason for anyone else's pain. That's why I need to be alone. Not just for me, but for everyone else.

I moved to my desk and worked on my essay for the entire day before I got up to shower, praying on my life that we wouldn't run into each other.

I was in the clear as I made it down the hallway, but when I walked into the bathroom, I saw him. I tried to ignore him as best I could when he grabbed my wrist.

"Let me go!" I snapped, but when we made eye contact, it was clear that he had been crying.

"I'm sorry." He looked at the ground beneath us and I sighed.

"It's ok." I whispered before he pulled me into his shirtless, toweled body.

"I love you." He said, kissing my forehead when I pried my body off of his.

"Just stop kissing me." I shivered as I went into my stall, secretly blushing. That forehead kiss may have been unwanted, but it was warm and it felt good. Not just sexually, but somehow, it felt good inside. I put my hand over my heart, just breathing, thinking about what his one kiss was doing to me and how I felt about that. I was scared. I was nervous. Was I angry? I don't really know. I just felt vulnerable, and I didn't like that; but I also felt warm, and that always feels nice.

It was so conflicting, because I was still so bothered by everything. I missed feeling like I was invisible, no matter how much I used to hate it, but the warmth of his presence and the butterflies caused by his company are not something that can be easily ignored. I wanted answers, from myself, without having to think about the solutions. I wanted to be invisible, but I wanted to be warm. Loneliness is beyond cold; it's freezing with a yearning for arms that care and hands that cradle emotions with delicacy and love. Love. Yeah, that's what I want.

After my shower, I ran to my dorm before he got out of his, and when I was back inside, I finished my homework as I listened to some music.

The next day I saw him walking down the hall away from his dorm as I was walking towards mine.

"Hey beautiful." He smiled and I looked at him funny.

"Excuse me?"

He pinned me against the wall, looking up and down the empty hall. "I told you I love you; I will stop at nothing to earn your love back." He said as I shook nervously. "I love you Roxas." He smashed his lips against mine as I wriggled against his body and the wall. "Keep moving, it's only making me harder." He whispered and I froze.

"Ah, Aki," I couldn't help but utter, feeling his tongue sweep across my trembling lips.

It was tantalizing. It was erotic yet innocent; it was burning with passion yet it left me shivering all the same. I couldn't understand what it was that he was doing, or how, but as I stood trapped between his body and the wall, I accepted my fate as his prisoner. I couldn't move, couldn't think, could hardly breath as his legs pressed firmly against mine. As I felt his knee rub up into my crotch, feeling returned to my fingers, causing my brain to switch back 'on'.

"Let me go, creep!" I pushed him off me and quickly ran into my dorm, turning around at the last second to see him smiling at me.

Again, I slumped against my locked door, trying to figure out all these crazy thoughts and emotions flowing through me. I didn't want him to love me, didn't want to love him, but at those words, I couldn't help but feel something.

No; stop. I can't allow him to win me over, as if I were some prize or some game. No matter what, I have to stay strong. No matter what, I can't love him. This can't work. It's not even a matter of what I want. It's what needs to be.

* * *

That night, I dreamt of memories, flashbacks really, of what used to be. I was reminded of just how much Axel had always meant to me, back when I was little, back when I had no one, except him.

I was five, and I, I was alone in my bedroom. My parents were out with Sora, spending munny on him, spoiling him, making sure that he was always smiling; all while I sat in my bedroom, bored. Then, out of nowhere, Axel climbed up the wall and into my window, luckily on the first floor. Even in my dream, I had the same smile as I did those years ago, where I could hardly contain my joy.

"Aki!" I clapped as he stood up.

"Roxy!" Axel hugged me as I squeezed him.

"Missed you." I didn't let him go.

"Me too." Axel ruffled my hair. He would always try to sneak in my room at night, but he didn't for the two nights prior, and that made me miss him dearly.

"You, you can stay with me tonight, right?" I had to be sure, even though he had spent nearly every night with me for the past year.

"Mhm." He nodded quickly.

"Good!" I took his hand and held it.

Axel yawned as he nodded.

"You're already sleepy?" I asked him and he gave a shy nod.

"Sorry," he rubbed his eyes.

"It's ok, come on, let's sleep." I rushed in bed before I snuggled up to him. "Aki? Can you read to me?" I asked, because my reading still sucked at that age, and I always fell asleep to his voice reading to me.

"Uh-huh."

"Can you read this one? There are pictures." I remember how every day I would rent a book at the library, where I spent most of my time when I knew I had to wait for Axel to visit me in my room. Then when Axel came at night, I would have him read to me, so I could fall asleep to the sound of his voice.

"The Cat in the Hat?" Axel read the title. "This is for babies." He said, but I shook my head.

"I think it's funny." I giggled.

"I think you're funny." Axel giggled back.

"Aki?" I closed my eyes.

"Hm?"

"I like you." I rolled over, nervous to see his face as I tried to fall asleep.

"I like you too Roxy." A young Axel held me and read to me as I fell asleep. When I woke up, Aki was gone, but my book was in my bed.

I remember going back to the library that day, renting more books, and waiting for Aki that night. I stayed up as late as I could with my window open as the wind blew inward, causing me to shiver as my hopes of his entrance died.

I got myself situated in bed, tears forming in my eyes as I realized just how much I needed him.

"Goodnight Aki," I sniffled to myself, wishing he were there to say it.

Nothing.

"Night Roxy," I said for him in his stead, but it just wasn't the same. I wiped my eyes before I started crying harder, missing him badly. It had only been a day, but it felt like an eternity at that young an age.

"Don't cry." I stopped rubbing my leaking eyes to see Axel climbing into my room. I jumped out of bed and tackled him for a hug, accidentally knocking him onto the ground as I fell on top of him.

"Oof!" Axel grunted.

"Sorry!" I apologized, standing up and extending my hand.

"It's ok. I'm happy you missed me." Axel smiled wide.

"I always do." I sniffled.

"Don't cry Roxy. I'm right here." He hugged me.

"I like you Aki." I smiled as I swayed from side to side in our embrace.

"I like you too." He whispered, as if we were saying something forbidden, yet true.

"I, I thought you weren't going to come." I shivered.

"Sorry I'm late." Axel apologized.

"I was worried." I frowned.

"I wouldn't miss your birthday eve." Axel smiled. "Happy almost birthday Roxy." Axel pecked my lips as my cheeks stained red.

"You, you remembered?" I asked.

"Of course." Axel giggled.

"I'm so glad you're here!" I choked him with a tight hug.

"I'm glad you're here." Axel smooched my cheek.

"Can we go to bed now?" I asked and he nodded, holding me as I used his arm as I pillow.

"Goodnight Roxy." He kissed my cheek.

"Goodnight Aki." I squeezed his waist. We fell asleep, and when I woke up to see him still with me, I smiled.

"Happy birthday Roxy." Axel rubbed my side.

"Thank you Aki." I inhaled deeply.

"Now that you're awake, I should probably leave." Axel sat up with me still on his chest.

"No! Don't go!" I begged.

"I don't want you to get in trouble, or me." He frowned. "I just wanted to say happy birthday once you woke up."

"Aki, please don't go. I," my eyes watered. "I don't want to be alone on my birthday." I started to sniffle.

"I'll be back tonight." Axel stood up.

"Don't leave me." I followed him as he walked to the window.

"Roxy, I will come back. But I'm not supposed to be here right now. I'll come play later, ok?" he asked with a smile, so I nodded.

"I'm gunna wait right here." I pointed to where my feet were planted.

"Hehe, ok Roxy. I like you." He kissed my cheek as I bit my lip.

"I like you too Aki." I hugged him as tight as I could.

"No crying on your birthday, ok?" he pointed a finger at me and I nodded back before he disappeared out my window.

That entire day, my parents took Sora out, but I stayed home. They didn't ask if I wanted to go with them, as if they expected me to be all alone on my sixth birthday.

I didn't care; I had a job, and that was to wait patiently for Axel, which I did.

For hours, I sat on my bedroom floor, trying to improve my reading, since I wanted to impress Axel so badly.

"Roxy?" I heard a tiny voice out my window, so I ran.

"Aki!" I cheered as I helped him up.

"I'm back!" he hugged me, so I laughed as I hugged him back.

"I'm so happy." I smiled.

"Good. You should be happy on your birthday. You're six now, almost as big as I am!" Axel pointed to himself.

"I want to be seven so badly." I huffed.

"Hehe, one day." Axel sat on my bed.

"Oh, Aki, look!" I took a book out of the stack on my floor. "Green eggs and ham," I started reading as Axel watched. He corrected my few errors, but when I finished, he started clapping.

"That was great Roxy." Axel patted my head.

"I can't wait to be as good a reader as you." I pointed at him.

"Keep practicing." He smiled, but he looked tired.

"Are you ok?" I could tell that something was wrong.

"Just tired." He shrugged.

"Come on, we can nap." I fluffed up my pillow.

"Are you sure? I don't want you to be bored on your birthday." Axel was always so considerate.

"Mhm, as long as you're here, I'll be happy." I got cozy in bed as I watched Axel do the same.

"Roxy?" Axel asked as if he were thinking.

"Hm?" I was curious to hear his thoughts.

"I have a present for you, but I left it at home." Axel frowned.

"A present?" I got excited.

"Mhm. I can go get it now if you,"

"No, it's ok. I'd rather wait. Just want to hold you." I put my arms around him.

"Hehe, ok. I'm glad. Cause I want to hold you too. I'll bring your present next time. Promise." Axel put his arms around me.

"Goodnight Aki." I curled up into his embrace.

"Goodnight Roxy." Axel held me throughout the night. When I woke up, he was gone, as usual, and as always, I grew as sad as ever.

At least, that was until that night came, and Axel didn't show up, and I learned a new definition of the word 'sad'. When the third night passed without his visit, I couldn't help but cry. Four nights passed, then five, and when the sixth came and went, I was sure that something had happened to him.

Then, on the eighth night, he came, and I was so happy and so sad all at once, that I cried even as he held me.

"Why did you leave me?" I sobbed in his arms on my bed.

"I'm sorry." Axel looked more tired than usual. He always showed up to my house, ready to sleep, but there was an exhaustion about him that couldn't be explained.

"I, I missed you." I sniffled onto his shoulder.

"I'm sorry." He repeated.

"Don't leave me again, ok?" I ordered as I rubbed my cheek on his chest.

"Ok." His voice seemed hallow, but I was too confused in my saddened happiness to question it. Instead, I fell asleep in his arms, and when I woke up, he was going out the window.

"Aki!" I called out to him.

"Roxy? Go to bed." He said.

"I'll see you tonight?" I asked, but he looked like he was thinking.

"I love you Roxy."

My eyes went wide. Even as a kid, I knew not to throw that word around.

"Aki?" I was confused.

"I love you," He smiled, but he looked hurt, like he was going to cry.

"I love you too." I smiled, and then his smile grew.

"Bye Roxy." He waved, and I waved back, feeling a sorrow deep down inside me. We never waved goodbye. Never. There never felt a need to do such a thing, but somehow, this goodbye felt more real than all the previous ones. But I held onto the promise that he would return, and give me my birthday present, and hold me as I slept, as he always did.

Little did I know that that would be the last time I would see Axel, until college.Until I could remember my Aki.


	6. Who He Really Is

I had these weird dreams every night for nearly a whole week after he last kissed me. In these dreams, I didn't fight back; I didn't push him away or reject his affection. I just…I let him love me. I let him hold me; I let him tell me that he loves me; I even let him kiss me. In those dreams, I got my Aki back. When I wake up, I don't know how to feel. I guess I have this sense of longing, like, like maybe I miss him. But then I get angry. Bitter at how we used to be such perfect friends and perhaps even more when we were little. But then it all ended when he left me.

I remember when he first came into my life; the very day I met him.

I was bored, early into my fifth year, exploring the nearby woods that surrounded my neighborhood. I used to spend a lot of my time wandering about the area, since I knew that my parents didn't care enough to warn me not to. By the time I was five, I already had my very own secret hideout, and I was on my way there when I heard a noise. Naturally as a child, I became frightened, and when the noise of snapping twigs got louder, I gulped.

"Who's there?" I jumped through a bush, officially entering my secret place, a small patch of grass that was hidden perfectly by tall bushes and shrubs.

"Whoa?" A tall redhead boy stood up, caught off guard.

"Who are you?" I asked, curious as to how he found my secret spot.

"I'm Axel." He said shyly.

"Ahki-sickle?" I failed.

"Axel." He shook his head.

"Ah-key-si, Aa-ku," I grunted at myself as I struggled to say his name.

"A-X-E-L." He said slowly.

"Aki, how did you find this place?" I abbreviated his name.

"I just found it." He shrugged simply.

"Hmm, it's my secret place." I pointed at my chest. He looked at me curiously before I pointed to the yellow thing on his head. "What's that?"

"This is my fireman hat." He patted it.

"You're a fire man?!" I asked enthusiastically.

"Mhm!" he nodded happily. "Well," he frowned. "Not yet. But one day I will be!"

"Why?" I was curious.

"Cause I want to help people.

"Wow, so you're going to be a hero?" I was mesmerized by the bigger kid.

"I guess." He put a finger to his innocent lips.

"So you'll save me, if I need help?" I asked.

"Well," he looked around. "There has to be a fire."

"Nu-uh!" I argued. "Hero's help people, no matter what!" I pointed at him.

He thought for a moment before he nodded. "That's true. Ok, I'll help, no matter what!" he fisted an open palm.

"Promise?" I asked and he nodded. "You have to say it."

"I promise." He held up an honest hand.

"Good. I'm Rocks-ess." I tapped my chest.

"Roxy-is?" he asked and I shook my head.

"Rocks-ess! It's easier than your name, Aki-sickle."

"It's Axel," he giggled.

"Aki." I nodded with a goofy grin.

"Hehe, you're funny." He took off his fireman hat.

"You too." I sat down looking up at the tall trees.

"So how did you find this place?" Axel asked me.

"I live there." I pointed in some random direction. "I come here a lot."

"I just moved here." Axel sat next to me, keeping his hat in his lap.

"Do you have friends?" I asked, but Axel shook his head with a frown. "What about me?" I asked, hurt.

"Huh?"

"Want to be friends?" I asked and he nodded.

"Ok."

"Good, cause I get lonely." I clicked my shoes together, my legs extended before my body.

"Me too." Axel said quietly. It went silent before he stood up.

"Where are you going?" I asked, not wanting him to leave.

"Home."

"Oh." I frowned. "Will you come back tomorrow?" I asked.

"Ok." He shrugged.

"Good." I smiled.

"Bye." He ran off as I stayed for a little while longer.

That next day, I didn't see him, so I figured he either didn't show, or he was there when I wasn't. I couldn't explain why, but I really wanted to see him again. Just one encounter with him made me want to keep him at my side for forever. To be honest, he was my only friend. And we hardly even knew each other, but still, I could tell that he understood me. The day after, I had gotten in trouble with my mom for not listening, so after she scolded me, I ran to my secret place, crying.

"Roxy?" I heard Axel voice as I cried, sitting on the grass with my face in my hands.

"Aki?" I sniffled.

"Why are you crying?" he asked curiously as he sat next to me.

"Cause nobody, no, nobody loves me!" I sobbed.

"Your mommy loves you." He said but I shook my head.

"She just loves my brother."

"What about your daddy?" he rubbed my back soothingly.

"Him too." I rubbed my leaking eyes.

"Your brother?" he guessed next.

"Mommy wont let me play with him." I chocked on some tears. My mother had my twin and I segregated, as if she were afraid I'd somehow mess up his perfect life. "Nobody likes me." I cried harder.

"I like you." Axel said quietly.

"You, you do?" I paused my tears to ask.

"Mhm." He nodded with a sincere smile.

I, I like you too." I swallowed hard.

"Good." He patted my head.

"Did you come yesterday?" I had nearly forgotten about my sorrow.

"Yeah, but it got dark, so I went home." Axel said.

"Oh. I came too, but you weren't here." I cleaned my face with my sleeve.

"Roxy?" Axel asked, sounding serious.

"Yeah?"

"It's cold out here. And it's going to get dark soon."

"We can go to my room." I stood up.

"Ok." Axel stood up next. "Where is your house?" he asked, so I took his hand. It was warm. I'll never forget that. His palm was soft and warm and I wanted to hold onto it without ever having to let go.

"This way." We made it out of the forest and up to my bedroom window, just above my head, facing the pathway we had just trotted.

"Here, I'll give you a boost." Axel lifted me up into my window, then used his height to climb in next.

I quickly shut my bedroom door and sat on my bed while Axel glanced around my room.

"Wooow, you have a lot of toys." He said in awe.

"They're my brothers old toys." I mumbled. All of my toys were the ones that Sora either got bored of, or broke.

"You have a lot of books." Axel pointed to a corner in my room.

"I want to read."

"You don't know how?"

"It's hard!" I complained.

"Hehe, I can help you." Axel offered with a smile.

"Really?" I asked with excitement.

"Sure." Axel sat on my bed.

"Gee, thanks!" I smiled wide. Axel and I played with my toys in my room for a few hours before we got tired.

"Aki? Can you read to me?" I asked with a yawn.

"Are you sleepy?" he giggled as I nodded. "Which one?"

"This one." I pointed, my thumb in my mouth.

"Roxy, you're not a baby." Axel laughed at me.

"I'm sleepy!" I whined back.

"You're cute." He said, causing me to blush shyly.

"Am not!"

"Uh-huh, but it's a good thing." He smiled.

"Thank you." I whispered.

"Ok, I'll read this one." Axel took the book I had pointed to and began to read as I laid down in bed.

Before I knew it, the sound of his calm voice reading was putting me to sleep, and when I heard creaking, I rushed to sit up.

"Aki?" I rubbed my sleepy eyes to see him walking to the window.

"Night Roxy." He said as he got ready to exit.

"Don't go," I reached for him.

"Bed-time." He said.

"It's dark!" I was scared for him.

"You'll be fine." He reassured me with a smile.

"But you'll get lost." I frowned.

"I live right there." Axel pointed to the house right next to mine. He…he was my new neighbor.

"Can you come play tomorrow?" I asked, and he nodded.

"Goodnight." He repeated before he crawled out the window.

I fell back asleep, and from then on, we spent time together almost daily.

* * *

I sat up in bed one night after another one of those dreams, curious to find out the truth; curious to know why he left me. I put my ear to the wall that divides our dorm rooms and I could hear light music playing. I figured that if he were still awake, then I had a right to ask him and find out what happened. Looking like a sleepy mess at two in the morning, I banged on his door.

"Well if it isn't my favorite blondie boy." Axel grinned, leaning against the doorway.

"We need to talk." I said, squeezing myself past him and into his room.

"Um, ok, whats up?" I could tell that he was confused and caught off guard by my determination as he jumped onto his lifted bed and I climbed onto it as well, sitting quietly beside him.

"What's on your mind?" he asked and I inhaled big. I was scared. Sure I wanted an answer, but do I really want to know? What if finding out the truth only makes it worse?

"Where did you go?" I asked, starting at my shoes that dangled off the edge of his bed.

"What do you mean?" He asked and for some reason, anger overcame me.

"Where did you go?!" I yelled, slamming my fists on his bed.

"Whoa, Roxas, calm down." Axel put a hand on my shoulder but I shoved it off.

"Why did you leave me? Where did you go?" I demanded an answer, but he only looked away.

"Answer me!" I thought I was going to lose my voice, but when he turned to look at me, all I saw was hunger in his eyes. The next thing I knew, he had me pinned to his bed with his body on top of mine as his lips held mine captive. I squirmed and tried to break free, but he was too strong. When I begged for air, he sat up, and I panted as I tried to decipher my thoughts, feelings, and my emotions. I sat up next to him, silent and still until he gulped.

He looked at me, and when we made eye contact, I couldn't help but slap him. His red cheek turned to the side, giving me the view of the consequences of my actions. When he turned to face me again, his demeanor sad and troubled, I slapped him again. He stared at the floor, then sighed.

"I'm sorry." His voice was so quiet, I almost didn't hear it.

And for a reason I can not describe or understand, I started crying. Something inside me made me feel so vulnerable and so lonely, and I broke down.

"Why did you leave me?" I sobbed, letting my head fall onto his shoulder.

"Shh, you're Aki is here." Axel wrapped an arm around me, and like the helpless being I was, I cuddled into his embrace.

"I missed you." I sniffled and could feel his soft silky hair on my crazy spikes.

"I missed you too Roxy."

"Then why did you go?" I asked, trying to keep more tears from leaving.

"I'm sorry." He said, and I waited for an explanation I never got.

"Why?" I asked again but he only sighed loudly.

"I can't tell you."

"Why not?" I started sniffling again, hating how I only had half a puzzle to work with.

"You wouldn't want to know anyway." Axel let go of me and I instantly missed his warmth and care.

"Of course I want to know! I deserve to know!" I shouted, angry that he wouldn't tell me why my life sucked from the second he left it.

"It was my life Rox!" He argued back but I hopped off his bed and yelled back.

"But I loved you! That makes it my life too."

"I'm sorry." He repeated poorly.

"Once you left, my life went to hell!" I started to get worked up again and he sat silently. "My parents forgot all about me because they only loved Sora! I got pushed into the back of everyone's minds until I was convinced that I had truly become invisible. I started dating a dick of a guy but I finally thought that I had some kind of value, but then he dumped me because I was dull and because he found someone better; someone worth noticing. All I wanted was my friend back; my companion and love, but he left me. I thought I lost him, and I tried looking everywhere for him, but I couldn't find him. And now he shows up as my dorm neighbor, and he's willing to confess his love to me, but he wont even tell me why he left me?" I became so overworked, I felt like I was drunk again.

"I'm sorry." He shrugged and I jumped off the bed, and with all I had inside me, I slapped him again. I could feel my own hand stinging, and I could only imagine how badly his red-stained cheek must have felt.

I froze at my own actions, cause the tears streaming silently down his cheek were becoming too much for me to handle. I sniffled a couple times before I ran out of his room and quickly into my own, slamming my door shut, locking it, and sobbing wildly on my bed, wishing I had never found out who he really is.

* * *

That night was restless as I could feel the unending stinging on my hand mixed with the empty cold on my lips, almost as if they missed his presence. I tried to suffocate myself in my blankets, but I couldn't achieve the warmth that he so easily provided.

I hated myself so much for what happened, but I still couldn't help but blame him. All I wanted was proof that he really loved me; I just wanted an answer that would make me realize that he never wanted to leave me back then. Instead, he just apologized and told me that he couldn't say. What kind of answer is that? How does he expect me to hear that and be ok? I just wanted an explanation, and instead, I got angry; angry enough to hit him. The first two times I slapped him were more like warnings; but the last time, damn I can still feel the icy connection between my palm and his cheek. I dint want to hurt him, but at the same time, I did. I wanted him to feel the pain I had to endure during my childhood once he left; I wanted him to experience the stinging that broke my heart when he abandoned me.

Still, I felt bad about making him cry. I don't think it was because of the pain though; maybe it was all the yelling and shouting I targeted at him. It was nearly three in the morning when I realized that I had hardly caught a wink of sleep due to all of these confusing thoughts.

It was a Saturday too, so no class, which meant that I could sleep during the day to make up for last night. But that doesn't take care of my problem with Axel. I sighed as I actually considered knocking on his door to apologize. What would he think of me? Then again, would he think worse of me if I didn't? And why did I even care what he thought?

With each minute I spend deliberating, I began hating myself more. Only I could make something so simple and turn it into something so completely complicated.

Before I could change my mind, I stood outside his door, knocking. I knocked for a while before a white slip of paper came from under the door that read, 'go away'. I crumpled it up and knocked louder, banging harshly on the door.

"I'm sorry." I said, hoping it'd be enough for him to open up.

"Go away." I could barely hear him say.

"I'm trying to apologize!" I said, getting angry that he wouldn't listen to me when I was trying to be sympathetic.

"Go away!" He yelled and I kicked his door.

"Fine!" I went back into my room and fell on my bed, angry. I tried to be civil; I tried to apologize. If he doesn't want to listen, fine. He can go fuck himself.

I fell into an uneasy sleep, not waking up until the day was half over.

"Hey, you in there?" I heard someone ask as they pounded at my door. I couldn't recognize the voice, but since I knew it wasn't Axel, I opened it.

"Huh?" I asked, still clearly tired. It was that blonde boy with the half Mohawk, half mullet.

"Look, I'm Axel's neighbor, and I heard yelling and pounding last night. I haven't seen him all day and he wont answer my texts. What happened?" He asked and I rolled my eyes. I didn't owe this guy and explanation when I was still waiting for one from Axel.

"I don't know." I shrugged and he narrowed his eyes on mine in an intimidating way.

"Look, blondie, I'm just trying to make sure Axel's ok. I know he likes you, so I thought maybe you could help. I'm scared." The blonde breathed heavily and I gulped. He always seemed so friendly and smiley on our floor, but he was acting like a different person.

"My name is Roxas, and I'm trying to get a hold of him too." I said, scared of pissing him off, angry that he called me blondie, and a bit unsure of how I felt that I actually wanted to talk to Axel.

"I'm Demyx. Look, if you find him, tell him I'm worried, ok?" Demyx said, appearing much more friendly and even concerned. I nodded.

"Ok."

"Thanks. And look about me being worried, I just, I care about him, ok? I won't get between you to two, so don't worry, alright?" He asked with this weird look in his eye as if he were asking if I understood.

"I get it." I said, trying to keep him from confusing him or myself further.

"Alright, well, I'll see you around." He turned around and went into his dorm and I wondered where Axel could be if he wasn't in his room or answering his phone.

Once I closed my door, I went right to the wall and put my ear against it, trying to find out if I could hear anything that would prove that he's hiding in there. Nothing. Complete silence.

For the rest of the weekend, his door never opened or closed.

I wondered if he went back to his home in the middle of the first night, after he yelled at me to go away, and I hoped that he was coming back soon. But when I realized how I was actually missing him, I got mad at myself. I was angry at him, so why would I miss him? But then again, I still needed to apologize to him. Fuck, I just keep making this harder for myself.

That Sunday night, I went out and bought a six-pack of beer, illegally since I'm under age, and snuck it into my dorm, hoping to get completely wasted. Now that I was alone and already sad as could be, I figured I had nothing to lose by getting drunk. And like always, I was wrong.

Once I was completely intoxicated and hammered beyond control, I got a knock at my door. It was none other than my Axel.

"Hey," Axel said, looking down like he was sad, but since I was drunk, I wasn't.

"Hey, I missed you." I put my arms around him but he pushed me away gently.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you." He said and I waved him off.

"Don't be. You wana come in?" I pointed behind myself and he entered my room.

"Did you drink all these?" He pointed to all the empty beer cans lying around as I nodded with a sly smile. "Look, I don't want to go through all that drama again from the last time you got drunk."

"But, I really did miss you." I batted my eyelashes at him and he sighed.

"Roxas, I love you too much to let you hurt me again."

"But I wont hurt you!" I was getting angry and he stared at me emptily. "You hurt me cause you left me! I just want to go back to before all this drama. Can we do that? I want to so badly." I bit my lip.

"Prove it." He crossed his arms and I smiled devilishly as I, in my drunken state, took of my shirt, walked up to him, and stuck my hands up against his torso.

"Mmmm," He moaned with closed lips as I teased his nipples with my fingers, kissing his chest with my lazy lips.

"Does that feel good?" I asked as I slurped my saliva up after I let it leave a trail down his tummy.

"Oh yeah." He sighed as he put a hand in his hair. I knew I had him.

"Then wait for this." I grinned as started biting his nipple, loving the soft pants and moans that escaped his barely open lips and the look of hunger through his heavy lidded eyes.

I put one hand on his ass and squeezed, about to unzip his pants when he pushed me away.

"Stop." He said, trying to collect himself as I stood there hard.

"I thought you wanted this?" I asked, twisting my legs as if I were doing the potty dance.

"I do, but not while you're drunk." He looked so sad.

"I promise I wont forget this time."

"That's beyond your control."

"Please, let me please you. Let me make it up to you for hurting you." I cupped the cheek that I slapped and stared deep into his eyes, which were beginning to water.

"I don't want you to forget." He said through baby sobs.

"I wont." I kissed his cheek. "Please?"

Axel shook his head. "It's not easy to refuse you, but it's harder to be hurt by you." Axel sighed disappointingly.

"Aki," I whined loudly.

"I just want to love you like I used to." Axel took my chin in his fingers as he kissed my temple.

"I want to go back in time." I sniffled again and he put his arms around my head.

"Me too Rox." He sighed and let go of me, making me feel so incredibly cold.

"Where are you going?" I asked when he started heading for the door.

"Back to my dorm." He said.

"Stay here." I said, sober enough to mean it.

"I cant." He opened the door.

"Why not?" I asked, wanting to run to stop him, but my drunken body knew well enough that I couldn't handle it.

"I don't want to hurt you again." Axel said, opening my door, then shutting it. In my attempt to forget my first failure of an attempt of intimacy with him, I drank the rest of the alcohol I had.


	7. Shitty Apologies

"What the?" I asked, my eyes blinking slowly with my huge hangover. I remembered having too much to drink after Axel left me room, refusing to be intimate with me. I couldn't remember much else when I heard a voice.

"Scoot over."

"Kay." I did as was told before I realized that Axel was in my bed. "Where the fuck did you come from?!" I asked, completely confused to the blurry events of the night.

"My mom and dad, now shut it; I'm tired." Axel rolled over but I slugged him in the shoulder.

"Get out of my bed!" I said, getting out myself and standing, hands on hips, till I realized that there was nothing on my hips or on my body at all. "Where are my clothes?!" I asked, mainly to myself as I covered my dick with my hands.

Axel rolled over with a sigh.

"You've got to be kidding me." He sat up, rubbing his eyes.

"Where are my clothes? Why are you in my bed?" I shook nervously, cold, embarrassed, exposed.

"Did you really forget again?" He looked dead into my eyes and I shivered with a chill running down my spine, not sure if it was because I went from the warmth of my bed and his body to the open cold air, or if it was because of his icy glare.

"Forget what?" I asked quietly, almost scared to see his reaction.

"Dammit Roxas! You promised!"

"Promised what?"

"You know what? Fuck you! Fuck you!" He yelled angrily, getting out of my bed, naked, naked and beautiful as he got dressed.

"Why are you mad at me when I'm the one who's trying to figure shit out!"

"You shouldn't have to figure anything out. You seduced me last night, but I didn't want this to happen so I left, but then you banged on my door super loudly crying about how you wanted me to fuck you, but I told you we had to wait until you slept off the alcohol, but I made you promised not to forget and you did, then you fell asleep and apparently now you don't remember shit." Axel stood over me and I gulped as I tried to take in what had happened.

"You mean, you, I, I asked you to have sex with me?" I asked timidly and he rolled his eyes.

"Fuck off jackass." He turned around and left my room as I chased after him, not even realizing that I was still naked.

"Axe wait!" I was thankful that no one was in the hall and I managed to squeeze into his dorm before his door shut.

"Get out of my room." He said sternly but I tugged on his hand.

"I'm sorry." I cried and he pulled his hand free.

"I'm tired of hearing your shitty apologies."

"Please, I'm so torn." I don't know why, but at that instant, as I stood naked, in his room, knowing that he was mad at me, I broke down. I fell apart all because I didn't know if I loved him more than I hated him or if I hated him more than I loved him.

"Torn over what?" he asked calmly and I fell to my knees, holding onto his one of his hands.

"I don't know how I feel, and it hurts." I used one hand to clench near my chest as I imitated the way my heart felt, so complicated and unsure, but mainly painful.

"What do you mean?" he asked, kneeling in front of me, taking my hands and squeezing feeling back into them.

"I don't know if I love you for having been there for me, or if I hate you for leaving me." I cried, ashamed to have to confess to him, but he didn't get mad. He sighed as if he were tired, then he put his arms around me.

"Well, I guess you'll just have to think about it then." He said, rubbing my back, making me feel like I really could love him and his gentle touch.

"I want to love you, but I'm so angry at you." I hit him in the chest to show my frustration, but I felt him nodding as he continued to massage my back.

"I know, and I'm really sorry. I wish I could tell you."

"Why can't you?" I cried.

"I just cant." He said simply.

"I just want to know that you didn't forget about me." I sobbed and he squeezed me tightly. Talk about irony, considering all the times I had forgotten what we had or hadn't done in the past week.

"I could never think about forgetting you." He stroked my hair as I sniffled into his chest. "Calm down Roxy, it's ok. I'm sorry I yelled at you. I know I shouldn't expect you to remember promises you make while intoxicated, but I just want to believe you so damn badly. I'm just, I love you so much, I don't want you to forget me." He kissed my temple and I hated how pathetic I felt. I wanted to be that strong independent person that never relies on anyone for help, but I couldn't. There I was, on my knees, in his embrace, needing his touch, his voice, his love.

"I don't want to forget anymore." I sniffled and again I could feel him nod.

"Then why don't we try again, sober this time?" He perked my face up with his hand and I nodded through my tears. "Shh, no more crying." He kissed each tear drop away and I held onto his arms, loving how strong they were without being bulky.

"I'm sorry." I said, not really know why I was apologizing, but feeling like I should.

"It's ok Roxas. Just, just don't lie to me or forget, ok?" he asked, never before looking as vulnerable as he did when he asked.

"I won't." I offered a small smile and he smiled in return.

"Come on, let's hug it out." He said with a chuckle before he squeezed me, providing warmth to my bare skin. I held onto him too as I tried to memorize the feeling of his embrace.

"I'm going out with some friends tonight, to karaoke. You want to come?" he asked and I nodded.

"It, it sounds like fun." I almost smiled. I wanted so badly to be a part of his life. I wanted him to hold me. The more I thought about those dreams, about those flashbacks, the more I craved him. I wanted his attention, I wanted his love. I was still too scared to return it just yet, but I wanted to try.

"Yeah, I'm sure it'll be great. So far it's just Demyx and his boyfriend, and us, but it's better in smaller groups anyway." Axel shrugged.

"I've never been." I bit my lip.

"I'm sure you have a beautiful singing voice." Axel winked at me, causing me to blush. It was awkwardly quiet before he coughed. "Ahem, as sexy as you are, you might want to think about putting some clothes on before we leave." Axel smirked before I rushed my hands to my parts.

"Shit!"

"Haha, just so you know, I haven't directly touched it with my hands."

"Your hands?" I asked.

"My thigh might have rubbed up against it in our sleep." Axel helped me to my feet and rubbed my hips with his heated palms.

"Axe, don't!" I begged.

"Why not?" Axel asked curiously.

"Cause," I whimpered, twitching as I tried to fight back the pleasure I was all too easily receiving.

"Are you serious?" Axel looked downward and when I realized that I was starting to go erect, I turned around. "Wait! Where are you going?" He grabbed my hand.

"I, it's, I'm so embarrassed." My eyes swelled up as I whispered.

"Of what?" he asked, almost chuckling, as if my claim where preposterous.

"Being so hard so easily." I glanced at my toes, wanting to disappear.

"Rox, that just means that I make you feel good. If you're ashamed of that, well, then, I don't even know what to say. Honestly, it makes me feel proud, that I can stimulate you." He smiled so sweetly, I nearly forgot we were discussing such a dirty topic.

"Really?" I kept a hand over my junk as I asked in disbelief.

"Yeah." Axel smiled before he took two steps closer to me. "I love you Roxy." He kissed my lips as he held my waist.

"I missed you." I held my arms around his neck.

"I missed you too." Axel accepted my bull shit way of avoiding those three words of love.

"I should get dressed." I took a step back and covered myself.

"I'll get you when we're about to leave, ok?" he asked and I nodded, scurrying out of his room but not before he slapped my ass.

"Ow!" I hissed, turning around sharply.

"Sorry, too cute." He said with way too much enthusiasm as I rolled my eyes.

* * *

"Blondie! Oy, blondie!" Axel knocked loudly on my door thirty minutes after I had left his room.

"Hey," I opened my door in my faded blue jeans and blue hoodie. Axel was wearing grey skinny jeans and a black jacket over a black T shirt, very simple, yet somehow way more attractive than one would guess.

"You ready?" He asked, waving behind him to show that Demyx and his boyfriend, Zexion, were waiting in the hallway of our floor.

"Yeah," I turned off my lights and joined them to Axel's car.

"I'm Zexion," the boy with a dark green T shirt and black cargo pants introduced himself.

"And you remember me, Demyx!" The blonde with the sky blue T shirt under a white button up shirt pointed to himself. He was wearing baggy jeans, but he completely pulled off the cute lazy boy look.

"Yeah, I'm Roxas." I smiled politely.

"Do you like karaoke?" Demyx asked and I shrugged.

"I've never been."

"Really?" he seemed shocked. "I love music!" He cheered in the front seat as Axel drove us.

"So how long have you two been dating?" I asked Zexion while Axel and Demyx chatted away.

"About nine months, huh Demy?" Zexion said loudly to get his boyfriends attention.

"Huh? Yeah sure," Demyx waved without turning around before he continued his conversation with the driver. Zexion and I chuckled to ourselves before we talked about classes.

After another fifteen minutes, we were going into our private karaoke room where we had access to unlimited drinks for an all nighter.

"This is going to be SO much fun!" Demyx took one of the two microphones and started selecting a song.

"I don't think I'll be able to stay awake the whole night." Zexion stretched before he got comfortable sitting next to his boyfriend. The room was small but had a table between two couch-like benches with a TV on the main wall.

"Yeah, I usually don't stay up too late." I sat next to Axel, wanting to get cozy, but yet, still frightened for a reason I couldn't really explain.

"Well let's just see how long we can last." Axel took the other microphone.

We ordered our first round of drinks and I knew that if I wanted a successful time with Axel, I needed to have enough alcohol to have guts, yet not half as much as I recently drank, where I forget everything that happens. I got a beer while Axel got a gin tonic, and Demyx and Zexion each shared different types of cocktail drinks.

I watched as Demyx and Axel sang a few songs, with Zexion joining in on a few, but was too shy to sing anything myself. They kept offering me the microphone but I refused politely for nearly a whole hour before Axel held the microphone stubbornly up to my mouth.

The thing is, they all thought I was refusing to sing because I was embarrassed and nervous that I'd suck. In reality, I actually have a pretty decent voice. I mean, I'm not like CD record level or anything, but when I had friends, they used to ask me to sing cause they liked my voice. It's not like I'm ashamed or anything, but I just didn't want them to get all awkward, or expect me to sing more than I was willing to. But after Axel's persistence, I opened my mouth and started singing these cute romance songs.

"Damn!" Demyx's eyes went wide. He had a really nice singing voice too, but he went silent once my voice became audible on the speakers within our room.

"Holy shit Roxy!" Axel smiled at me as I continued to sing. Once I hit the last chorus, I took the microphone on my own and Demyx joined in again.

"I don't want another pretty face, I don't want just anyone to hold, I don't want my love to go to waste, I want you and your beautiful soul," we continued our duet until the end, when Axel and Zexion clapped.

"You didn't tell us you could sing." Zexion said and I shrugged.

"It's not like I took lessons or anything."

"He's just naturally amazing." Axel smiled at me as I blushed.

"Thanks guys," I shrank back into my shy side as I passed the microphone back to Axel. We decided to go for our third round of drinks when Demyx looked at the menu.

"Hmmm, do you want another cocktail babe?" Demyx tapped his lip as he glanced at our options.

"No, something with vodka." Zexion scrolled through song options.

"Vodka?" Axel looked surprised.

"He likes it." Demyx shrugged. "What about you Axe?"

"Umm, give me something with whiskey." Axel smirked.

"It looks like piss." Demyx shivered in disgust.

"Is not." Axel rolled his eyes.

"What about you blondie?" Demyx looked to me. "You want hard alcohol too?

"Nah, not a good idea; he doesn't handle his alcohol well." Axel patted my back.

"I'll just have another beer." I decided that it was better to play it safe by ordering something lighter than what the others were drinking.

"What are you getting Dem?" Axel asked, and Demyx told us it was a surprise before he went to give and receive our orders. When he returned he had a large tray with a ton of glasses.

"Dude, there are ten glasses on this tray, and three of us." Axel looked at his friend with a suspicious look.

"Whiskey for Axel, vodka for Zexy, beer for Roxas, and seven glasses of gin for me." Demyx clapped.

"Dude, not the best idea," Axel warned in concern but that didn't stop the blonde as he chugged every glass, twitching between breaks from the no doubt harsh dry burn in his throat.

"Demy, stop," Zexion tugged on Demyx's arm after the fifth 'shot' of a decent sized glass.

"Ok ok," Demyx took a deep breath, his body slightly swaying.

We continued to sing away for another hour as Demyx slowly downed his last two cups, Zexion ordered a couple more cocktails, and I actually shared some beer with Axel.

"This is fun." Zexion smiled at me since he and I started to do most of the singing since Demyx hit a brick wall and took a thirty minute nap. When he woke up, he started taking sips of the unfinished cocktail drinks on the table.

"He's going to puke before the night is over." Axel laughed at the clumsy blonde.

"Nu-uh! I'm not even that drunk!" Demyx laughed hysterically while Zexion and I sang a duet.

"Dude, you look like your fucking wasted." Axel laughed along. Demyx shook his head before he slipped off of his bench and fell onto the floor, laughing at himself before he put a hand to his stomach.

"Uh-oh." Demyx stood up and ran out of the room.

"I'll go," Zexion rolled his eyes and chased the tall teen to the bathroom.

"They're crazy." Axel smiled at me as I smiled back.

"Thanks for inviting me." I wanted so badly to lean slightly forward and rest my head on his shoulder.

"Thanks for coming." Axel looked deep into my eyes.

"Axe?" I bit my lip.

"Yeah?" He looked down at my mouth, as if the word 'kiss' was on his tongue.

"I," I inhaled deep, my eyes slowly closing.

"Hm?" Axel leaned forward, his eyes looking from mine back down to my lips as I gulped. We were going to kiss. I could feel the magnetic pull drawing me towards him when Zexion opened the door, causing both of us to sit up perfectly straight.

"So stupid." The slate haired boy muttered.

"He ok?" Axel asked.

"Yeah, he's much better now that he puked several times." Zexion reached for his wallet.

"Everything alright?" Axel inquired.

"Yeah, I'm going to go to the convenience store around the corner to buy him a toothbrush and toothpaste. I'll be back." Zexion left before Demyx returned to our room, tripping over his feet, plopping lazily onto his couch, slipping to the floor, and laughing as Axel pulled him back up.

"Ok, maybe you should lie down." Axel situated his friend.

"No, I need to brush my teeth so I can make out with Zexion." Demyx was persistent to stay awake.

"Yuck, too much info dude." Axel shook his head with a smirk. "Why am I always the babysitter?" Axel sighed as he made sure that Demyx was alright. I continued to sing on my own with some occasional help from Axel, and it was nice to feel like I was actually able to be good at something. I'm kind of used to hiding behind other people's shadows, but to see how impressed Axel, and drunk Demyx, were from hearing me sing, it made me feel accomplished.

When Zexion returned, Demyx stumbled to the bathroom to clean his mouth, but as he was away, Zexion yawned.

"You ok?" I asked.

"I'm dead tired. I was really looking forward to having this date since I've been so busy with exams and reports for class, that I haven't had much time with Demyx. I've been so exhausted from all the schoolwork, and now the all nighter and walking to go buy a fucking toothbrush." Zexion let out a deep sigh as he closed his eyes. "I think I'm going to lie down until Demyx gets back." Zexion got cozy on his bench and within two minutes, he was snoring lightly.

"I'm back!" Demyx returned with his toothbrush and toothpaste in hand.

"Good timing, your boy is out cold." Axel chuckled.

"Are you serious?" Demyx looked a bit disappointed.

"How are you feeling?" Axel asked Demyx.

"Much better. I puked again." Demyx nodded with a sincere smile.

"You're such an idiot." Axel chuckled with a shake of his head.

"Not one of my better ideas." Demyx admitted with a shrug.

"No shit." Axel selected a new song. "Next time, it's my turn to get wasted and you have to baby sit me."

"Haha, oh alright fine." Demyx gave a sarcastic eye roll.

"Sometimes I hate being the one in college with a car. Stupid designated driver." Axel scoffed before he began singing.

"Night Zexy." Demyx let his sleeping boyfriend use his lap as a pillow before we decided to drink water and soda for the rest of the long night.

While Axel and Demyx were singing a rock song, I decided to fake a tired yawn, stretch my arms, and lean against Axel's chest. The redhead put his arms around me, pulled me into his lap, and offered to share the microphone with me. We remained like that for a while as I grew sleepy from the all nighter. After just a few more hours, Zexion woke up.

"Hey guys." He sat up, his eyes barely open, his hair a mess.

"Morning baby." Demyx rubbed Zexion's arm.

"How long was I asleep for?" Zexion looked around the room.

"About three hours." Axel checked his watch.

"Damn, I'm tired." Zexion yawned.

"Well it's time to go anyway." Axel patted my hip, so I stood up.

"Oh, did you use the toothbrush?" Zexion asked Demyx, who nodded.

"Sorry I fell asleep." Zexion winced.

"It's ok sweetie, I'm glad you got your rest." Demyx kissed his boyfriends cheek.

"But, I've been so busy, and this was supposed to be our date. I'm sorry I ruined it." Zexion looked so sad about having slept through a good chunk of the night.

"It's alright Zexy, we can nap when we get to my dorm." Demyx took Zexion's hand as we left.

The drive back to campus was quiet, all the way up until we walked down our hall.

"Well guys, it was fun." Demyx waved as he and Zexion went into his room.

"See ya!" Axel waved too before he and I stood right outside our doors.

"So," I looked away.

"I had a good time." Axel said.

"Me too." I nodded.

"Are you going to go to bed now?" Axel asked and I shrugged.

"Yeah, probably."

"If you want, you uh, you can," Axel rubbed the back of his neck.

"I can…?" I waited for him to finish.

"You can stay the night in my room." He offered.

"Don't you mean the day?" I chuckled.

"Oh yeah, day, hah," Axel looked nervous, so I nodded to help him out.

"Ok, thanks." I said quietly.

"Really?" he asked and I nodded again. "Ok, come on," he took my hand and we walked into his room together. He cleared his bed of his sweater and backpack before we crawled into the blankets, still in our clothes, but way too tired to give a damn.

"Night." I inhaled deeply before I felt his arms slip around my waist.

"Goodnight Roxy." He held me as my exhausted body fell into a deep sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't normally do this, but the entire Karaoke scene was based on a real live event for me lol. I had a fun night out back when I used to live in Tokyo and minus the whole love interest part, the rest of the events are true with me as Demyx. Take my word for it, drinking that much gin in one sitting is not a good idea lol. I figured this chapter was a good way to show akuroku outside of the dorms and for me to share a fun memory that I can always look back on. Thanks for reading!


	8. Cant Ever Work

I woke up with arms wrapped loosely around my sides, keeping me warm as I smiled. I carefully turned around so as not to wake him as I admired the beauty of his sleeping face. I couldn't stop staring at how peaceful he looked, breathing through his nose while his chest slowly expanded to a steady rhythm. I couldn't explain it, but somehow watching him sleep softened my heart to the possibility of being with him, of actually letting him call me his.

That was the question that was stuck in my head. Do I love Axel, or do I want to love Axel? Sometimes, I feel like I want to love him, so I let him show his feelings for me, but I still don't know if my feelings for him are real. Maybe, maybe I'm just still waiting for a sign that will prove everything real or not? I didn't have time to continue my mental debate as Axel stirred.

"Morning," He smiled so sweetly at me that I wanted to make it last.

"Morning." I smiled back.

"How'd you sleep?" He asked curiously as he stretched, still lying down.

"Warm, and cozy." I whispered.

"Yeah? Good." He rolled on his side and ran his hand up and down mine.

"Thank you, for letting me stay the night." I said politely.

"You're welcome; any time." Axel kissed my nose, making me giggle. "Well that was cute." Axel chuckled.

"Axel?" I bit my lip.

"What is it?" Axel asked seriously, seeing the concern on my face.

"I, I want to try." I said with a nervous gulp.

"Try? Try what?" Axel asked curiously.

"I like seeing you smile, and I like it when you make me happy. Maybe, maybe we can try." I suggested.

"You, you mean it?" Axel looked excited as I nodded.

"I want to be comforted the way you used to when we were kids. I miss the way you'd hold me, and kiss me." I confessed.

"Come here," Axel pulled my hips to his and after we each smiled, we kissed.

Our hands somehow traveled faster than my mind and before I knew it, I could feel my boxers being pulled down.

"You ok?" Axel checked up on me before I nodded. The sexy redhead shed his shirt and then helped me with mine next.

"Looks like I better catch up." He stared at my naked body and began striping his underwear, revealing his lithe, long, beautiful body. "You ready?" he asked and I nodded in intimidation.

"I'm nervous." I coughed awkwardly.

"Me too. I, I'm glad I'm losing my virginity to you." Axel smiled to me as I looked away. I wish I could have told him the same.

"Who was your first?" He asked, trying to sound more curious than hurt, but it didn't work that he saw right through me.

"My ex." I blushed

"Wait, not the one who came here and started yelling at you?" Axel looked concerned. In my shame, I nodded. I could tell that he didn't know what to say, so he shrugged.

"He, he didn't rape you, did he?" Axel looked too deeply into my eyes, so I looked elsewhere.

"No," I didn't think it was any of his business anyway.

"Was he good?" Axel asked and I turned red.

"Arent you NOT supposed to ask about ex's?" I was starting to get bothered.

"Ok, sorry." Axel rubbed the back of his next.  
"It's fine." I waved it all off.

"Well, what position do you want to be in, since you're more experienced?"

I sighed, not wanting him to make it sound like I was a whore, but I wasn't willing to make him angry again. "As long as you're in me, I don't care." I tried to look as irresistible as I could and he bought it with a smile.

"I love you."

"I," I didn't know what to say. Did I love him? I still wasn't sure. I don't think I hate him anymore, but not hating and loving are two completely different things.

"It's ok, I'll have you speechless soon enough." Axel shrugged it off and I nodded. "We should try something different." He put a hand on his chin, thinking, saying it as if we had had sex plenty of times.

"Like?" I asked, not sure where this was going.

"You're flexible, right?"

I looked at my own body. "Sure."

"Good. If it hurts or feels too weird, we can stop, but I've been dreaming about doing this position with you for a while." He confessed, and to my surprise, hearing that made me smile.

"What do you want me to do?" I asked and he moved his mattress to the tiny floor space left in his cramped dorm.

"Lie on your back, but lift it up so that your ass is in the air and your lower back is against the bed, not the mattress." He instructed and I got into said position. My neck and head were on the mattress and everything else was extended up in the air as he stood over me, allowing me to see his gorgeous backside. "Hold your ankles." He said and I lifted them over my head and held onto them as he kept one leg on each side of my body. It was really awkward but he seemed to be enjoying it, which was the only thing that kept me from curling up into a ball. "You ready?" he asked and I nodded.

"You're going to go in like this?" I asked, not sure how this position would work.

"Yeah, watch." He squatted and lowered himself inside me slowly, waiting for me to get used to his presence.

"Ok, go ahead." I said, once my body adapted to his thick dick.

"Yeah, oh yeah, oh fuck yea." He moaned as he started grinding back and forth. I let my ankles rest on his ass as I moved my hands to grab his ankles by my sides. I had never been fucked upside down like this, but I could feel every inch of him.

"Ah, ah, oh hah, mmm, hah." I couldn't control my moans as I felt his warm cock slip around inside me.

"You like that baby?" he asked as he pushed his hips forward and back, his balls grinding against my skin as I mewled and whimpered loudly, not even caring who heard.

"Oh god yeah." I could feel my cock turn to stone.

"You want more?" he asked sexily and I whined, basically saying yes.

"Give me more Axe." He pounded harder in and out of me, letting his ass sit on mine as he moved his hips around in a circle, making me leak precum as I couldn't even keep my eyes open.

"Fuck, fuck, I have to," I couldn't even finish as I came onto my chest just before he came inside of me. "Oh god!" I screamed, feeling his warm liquid fill me up. He panted loudly as he stood up and pulled out, helping my legs fall to the side as he fell next to me, halfway on the mattress, the other half of his tall body on the floor.

"That was so hot." Axel gasped and I could only nod.

"More." I said, not sure where this desperate side of me was coming from, but I didn't care anymore. I had gone so long without any kind of love or affection, and now that I could get it, I wasn't going to let the opportunity slip me by.

He chuckled. "Get on all fours." I did so without hesitation, loving how he immediately went inside and gave it to me roughly. I moaned loudly, up until we heard a knock at his door.

"Hello in there!" It was Demyx, and Axel chuckled as he stood, and to my shock and embarrassment, he opened the door.

"Woops!" Axel giggled, covering himself with a shirt as he peered over a partly open door.

"Look, I know you love him, but at least put on some music so I don't have to hear it." Demyx blushed as I hid where the open door couldn't reveal me.

"You're the musician Dem." Axel laughed and Demyx chuckled.

"Whatever. Just, stop making me so hard. My boyfriend is at home till tomorrow."

"I'm sure if you sexted him, Zexion would appreciate it." Axel snickered and Demyx cussed him out jokingly.

"Now where were we?" Axel asked when his door shut and I blushed.

"Can we cuddle?" I asked, feeling a bit pathetic, but I couldn't help it. Axel smiled with a small laugh.

"Of course we can." He picked me up like a baby and put me on his bed as he crawled in next to me. He smashed me between the wall and his body as I enjoyed the firm pressure and warmth that created. After we made out, I started to feel sleepy. Without asking if I was welcomed to stay the night, I turned my back to him and snuggled myself against his back.

"Goodnight Axe." I closed my eyes as I felt his arms loop around me.

"Goodnight my love."

I wanted to fall asleep but the realization that I had just had sex with Axel was buzzing frantically inside my head. It was a moment like that when you text your best buddy, trying to swallow down the information and let it settle so you can accept it all. Only, I don't have a best buddy. Hell I don't have anyone, except for Axel.

At that instant, I put my hands over his as they rested on my tummy, trying to feel warm. With closed eyes, I tried to picture myself back in my room when Axel used to hold me, with my toys scattered messily on the floor and a stack of books right by my bed so that Axel could read to me my bedtime stories. Those were the days. The days when I didn't live for anything but the innocent smile of the pure hearted redhead boy who lived next door.

Somehow, just by thinking about it all, I got sad again. I missed him so much when he left, and here I am over ten years later, in his arms, after having just made love, yet I can't even tell him that I love him. Maybe, maybe I'm just scared? Cause if I tell him I love him, then the memories of having lost him only hurt all the more.

* * *

I woke up the next morning completely aware of what I had done and where I was and why, and as sad as it sounds, that made me proud.

"Morning cutie." Axel smashed a rough peck on my forehead.

"Morning." I kissed his neck as I wrapped my arms around it.

"You've been asleep for a while."

"Well I'm tired." I yawned.

Axel chuckled. "Yeah, I guess that's my fault for giving it to you hard."

"Mhm, but I liked it." I said, biting his neck tenderly, not sure where this side of me was coming from, but if it kept me from being alone and miserable, I didn't care.

"I love you Roxas. I always have and always will." He squeezed me, but I began to get sad again.

"If you've always loved me like you say you do, tell me why you left me."

"Roxas, for the last time, I cant, I,"

"I want answers." I sat up, aware that I was possibly throwing away the only shot at love I'd ever get.

He sat up too, with a sigh. "Can we please stop talking about this?"

I rolled my eyes as I kicked off the blankets in an attempt to get out of bed.

"Wait, Roxas!" Axel called after me as I stood up.

"If you want me to stay, you need to start answering my questions." I crossed my arms, serious.

"I cant ok?" He seemed just as frustrated as I was.

"Why not?"

"I don't know!"

"You don't know why you cant tell me?" I asked back, not sure what he was even trying to say.

"I, I just want to pick up where we left off. Is that ok?" He was trying to dodge my question, but I wouldn't let him.

"I just want to know what happened." I folded my arms before I sighed, rolled my eyes, and began dressing as he sat there, unsure of what to say.

"Roxas, stop!" He yanked my wrist back towards him but I tugged it free.

"Let me go!"

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" He let go of me so he could cover his eyes with his hands, which made me feel really guilty.

"What?" I asked, a bit hurt, but more curious.

"How could you be so cruel?" His shoulders started bouncing, and when I realized that he was crying, I had this huge yearning to just hold him.

"I'm….cruel?" I felt like I wasn't even there; like I was just witnessing an event that I caused, but like I couldn't respond or move.

"Why would you let me make love to you and then act like it never happened? How could you be so seductive and then twist it to nothing more than a tease?" He turned his back towards me and I could feel my body going cold as I regretted starting this fight.

"I'm sorry," I said, not knowing what else to say.

"I don't want your apologies!" He turned to face me and he looked pissed.

"Well then what do you want?" I was getting angry too.

"Your love." He said calmly, almost with a smile and I gulped over my guilt.

"I just want to know why you left me." I tried to remain calm and civil.

"I need you to trust me Rox. I'd tell you if I could."

"I can't trust." I admitted, sad to admit that I lost that ability when I watched my parents abandon me to treat Sora better.

"Then we cant ever work." He said, as if he were just then giving me the decision to make.

"I'm sorry." I said, turning around, heading for the door. To my surprise, he didn't even try to stop me.


End file.
